If Airlines Start Making Me Weigh In Before a Flight, I'm Taking Amtrak

Airlines are tired of making it so darn pleasant for you to fly. They've dazzled you with the naked scan, made you swill your own breastmilk, and forced you to strip down to your skivvies through security because, gosh darnit, your comfort and satisfaction are totally worth it. Now airlines want you to step on the scale.

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Granted, only Uzbekistan Airways has started asking its passengers to weigh in before pre-boarding, but honestly, with the current state of airline travel in the U.S., could a mandatory weight check before every flight really be that far behind?

Because, yes honey, we know your driver's license has listed your weight as 140 since high school, but please. You don't look an ounce under 175. Go on ahead and step up here so we can get an accurate weight.

If lying about an extra 15 pounds is going to take down an entire airliner, then let's all get super serious about rail travel. There are general aviation industry standards for weight that airlines use to guestimate the weight of all the passengers on an airliner. Adults are averaged at 190 pounds in summer, and 195 in winter. The extra five pounds accounts for heavier winter coats and other clothes. Kids are all counted at 82 pounds. Isn't that a close enough calculation? I haven't heard of any planes falling out of the sky because someone had Mexican food for dinner. Have you?

Airlines have had their eye on squeezing a little extra money off of their heavier passengers for years now. They've had a sticky time trying to shame fat passengers into buying an extra seat -- all while they trim down passenger cabin room in the hope of fitting as many head of cattle passengers onto the plane they can to boost profits.

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But who are the biggest losers here? We are, my chunky compadres. We continue to squish in ever tighter toward those arm rests and pull our knees in a little closer to our chest and zone out and just wait for the whole airline ordeal to be over. And up until now we've been able to bear it with little more than an Xanax prescription and a few mini bottles of Stoli. Heroes, all of us.

But this is the last straw.

And so, to the airlines I say, for the love of all that is holy, please leave us with some shred of dignity at the airport. Please don't make us mount some luggage scale. Just take my word for it and shut up. It's 140. Or maybe this is just another smart way for airlines to get extra fees. Because who wouldn't be willing to pay an extra $25 to avoid being weighed in public? Do I hear $30?

 

Image via ConvairsForever/Flickr

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