5 Angry Old Men Who Are Protesting This 'Gay Marriage' Business

angry old manIt seems like most of America was celebrating the Supreme Court's ruling on same-sex marriage, with endless rainbow-strewn parades led by love, happiness, and thunderbolts of justice. But a few people in the country are not pleased with this development. Not. One. Bit. Here's how people who do not believe in love -- erhm, I mean, how some gay-marriage opponents are protesting.

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1. No more marriage for anyone. Alabama probate judge Wes Allen has stopped issuing marriages for anyone, gay or straight, since February. He's citing Alabama state law, which says “marriage licenses may be issued by the judges of probate.” To Allen, that "may" means it's optional, so he's opting out. "I have no plans for putting Pike County back into the marriage business," he announced after the SCOTUS ruling.

Meanwhile, the entire state of Mississippi may stop issuing marriage licenses to anyone, because nothing is more convincing that cutting off your own nose to demonstrate your commitment to the institute of marriage.

2. Exercise your religious rights in Texas. State Attorney General Ken Paxton announced to Texas judges that they could continue denying marriage licenses to the gays because the Supreme Court had "fabricated" a new constitutional right in conflict with the first amendment's right to free exercise of religion.

"County clerks and their employees retain religious freedoms that may allow accommodation of their religious objections to issuing same-sex marriage licenses," Paxton says. And sure, you may get fined or sued. But heck, he and other lawyers will be on hand to defend you on a pro bono basis. So if you need extra cortisol in your life, DO join the battle, Texas judges.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Texas: Congratulations, Jack Evans and George Harris, the first same-sex couple to marry in Dallas.

More from The Stir: Couple Threatens to Divorce If Gay Marriage Is Legalized

3. Set yourself on fire. Earlier this month it sure sounded like Texas pastor Rick Scarborough was threatening to set himself on fire if the Supreme Court ruled in favor of gay marriage. "We are not going to bow, we are not going to bend, and if necessary we will burn," he said. But you guys, he was totally being metaphorical.

"I made that comment to paraphrase a spiritual song, 'Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego,' in which the three were given a choice — to bow to the image of Nebucahdnezzar or burn in a furnace," Scarborough claims. "'We will burn' means that we will accept any sanction from the government for resisting [last Friday's] Supreme Court decision. We do not support any violence or physical harm.'" Also fire is hot and SCOTUS called my bluff. Burn.

4. Incite civil disobedience. Presidential candidate and former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee sounded the charge on ABC's This Week with George Stephanopoulos.

I don’t think a lot of pastors and Christian schools are going to have a choice. They either are going to follow God, their conscience, and what they truly believe is what the scripture teaches them, or they will follow civil law. They will go the path of Dr. Martin Luther King, who in his brilliant essay the 'Letter from a Birmingham Jail’ reminded us, based on what St. Augustine said, that an unjust law is no law at all.

Ugh, Huck. I sure do not like it when you take MLK's name in vain. 

5. Demonstrate your love for traditional marriage by getting married lots and lots. Because he hadn't offended enough people, last week Donald Trump set the record straight on CNN's State of the Nation. "I'm for traditional marriage," he told Jake Tapper, though admitting "it is changing rapidly." "What's traditional about being married three times?" Tapper responded. Trump answered by transforming his hairpiece into a parachute and jumping out the window.

Aw, guys! Good luck being on the wrong side of history. I guess someone has to be on the derrier garde, right?

Why do you think gay marriage bothers some people this much?

 

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