Romney & Obama Meet at White House: The 'Secret Transcript'

white houseWell this is what we like to see: After a bitter presidential campaign battle, President Obama has extended an olive branch and invited Mitt Romney to the White House for a personal meeting. They'll meet tomorrow (Thursday). Naturally most people around the beltway assume they'll be talking about how Democrats and Republicans can compromise to avoid the fiscal cliff. But I'm imagining a very different kind of conversation ...


A page leads Romney into the room. Obama immediately rises to greet Romney. "Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy ..."

"But call me maybe!" Romney responds, chuckling. They shake hands. Romney grasps Obama's hand a little too tightly, chuckling menacingly. Obama chuckles some more, tousling Romney's carefully-gelled hair with his other hand. Romney stops chuckling and lets go of Obama's hand so he can comb his hair back into place. The two men sit down.

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"Thanks for meeting me for Beer Summit II," Obama starts.

Romney interrupts. "Oh, with all due respect Mr. President--"

"Ah yes," Obama says. He looks up at a page. "One White House Honey Ale and one glass of milk, please." He turns to Romney again. "So tell me, how was Breaking Dawn 2? Michelle took the girls while I was on that Asian tour overseas so I missed it. I hear Baby Renesmee looked totally weird and fake."

"I thought Baby Renesmee was very life-like, actually," replies Romney.

Both men chuckle again. "So, Mitt, how's it feel to be back home ... homes?"

"Great, great. We got the car elevator working again, thank goodness. Oh, and did I tell you? I got a 47 percent of my own, after all!"

"Good for you, Mitt. Good for you. Say, admit it, you were flattered when I copied your RomneyCare and turned it into ObamaCare, weren't you?"

"Well, yes, I admit, I was."

"Yeah, I kind of had a bit of a politico-crush on you back when you were governor of Massachusetts."

Romney shifts uncomfortably. Meanwhile Bo pads into the room, wagging his tail eagerly. A look of panic flashes over Obama's face. He nods quietly at a Secret Serviceman, who quickly guides the dog away from Romney and out of the room.

"Ahhhh, look. I'll come straight to the point with you. I know we didn't see eye to eye, er, all the time, on policy matters. But I know you're a flexible kind of guy and a brilliant fundraiser. I'd like to invite you to switch parties and join the Democrats. I mean, all the Republicans are kind of mad at you right now anyway. It might be the right time for a change. What do you think?"

"Wow, really? Gosh ... that's so kind of you. Thank you! This is going to make John Huntsman so pissed. I mean! Envious. But thank you. After all we've been through, this really means a lot to me."

"Well, you know, I'm a forgiving sort. I mean, look, I made my rival Hillary Clinton Secretary of State. Speaking of which, I don't suppose ..."

"Yes? Yes?!?" Romney says, eagerly.

"Ah ... Hill wanted to send you a text message and asked if I'd pass her your number."

(Crestfallen) "Oh. Yes, of course."

"Anyway, just to familiarize yourself with our platform, I've prepared these binders for you." (Obama calls outside the room) "Hey, Big Bird, could you bring on those binders?" (Turning back to Romney) "We hired him as an intern last week. We were going to go with Elmo, but, well, you know ..."

What do you think Obama and Romney will talk about when they meet Thursday?


Image via schindler_project/Flickr

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