Vice Presidential Debate Gives Us a Scary Look Inside Joe Biden's Oompa Loompa Head

joe bidenSometimes I wonder what it’s like inside Joe Biden’s head. I imagine something like Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory -- a place where you can say or do anything, eat all the candy you want, and Oompa Loompas are always there to clean up the messes you have fun making. 

“If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it.” 

Last night's vice presidential debate gave us just that opportunity.


Yes, the only thing that explains the things that come out of Joe Biden’s mouth is that in his head, he lives in some kind of fantasy land. In Biden World, it doesn’t matter that the Obama administration covered up a terrorist attack that killed four Americans, or that gas is edging up to $5 a gallon, or that Medicare and Social Security are bankrupt.

But look! Lollipops!

It took the White House almost a month to admit that the attack in Benghazi was a premeditated act of terrorism. They even sent out U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice to lie to the media about the nature of the attack. That week, She claimed, “It was a spontaneous, not premeditated, response to … a very offensive video.”

Except that they knew within 24 hours of the attack that al Qaeda was behind it. This is a big deal, people. The Obama administration covered up a terrorist attack.

But not in Biden Land. In Biden Land, the only reason people are talking about Libya is because, as Obama Deputy Campaign Manager Stephanie Cutter so eloquently put it, “the entire reason this has become the political topic it is, is because of Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan … It’s a big part of their stump speech. And it’s reckless and irresponsible, what they’re doing.” 

I’m not sure how calling a spade a spade is politicizing something. There was a premeditated terrorist attack in the Middle East on a United States Embassy, four Americans (including an ambassador!) were killed, and the White House tried to cover it up. But whatever -- Malarky!

Biden spent a lot of time talking about how war hungry Republicans like Romney and Ryan are. “You’re going to go to war? Is that what you want to do?” he practically actually shouted at Congressman Ryan. 

Why do Democrats think Republicans love war so much? We don’t. We also don’t think Iran having a nuclear weapon is a good idea. We like Israel and Benjamin Netanyahu very much. We think maintaining our alliance with Israel is of utmost importance with regard to Middle Eastern foreign policy. We don’t want to go to war -- we want Iran to stop trying to blow people up. We’ll do what’s necessary to protect our people.

And that was just in the first twenty minutes. Phew! It was a long, windy trip that I managed to follow without banging my head on the wall too much by imagining the inside of Joe Biden’s brain, where the government coffers flow magically like the river in the chocolate room. I can picture him lining up every American to sip the chocolate river, paying no attention to the fact that it has to come from somewhere. That’s probably why he was giggling so much.

The only problem is that money doesn’t grow on trees, Oompa Loompas are slave labor, and pay no attention to the $16 trillion debt behind the curtain

I may be getting my movie metaphors mixed up. There’s one thing for certain -- There’s no place I know that compares with your imagination, Joe Biden.


Image via marcn/Flickr

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