Man's Confession-Filled Obituary Is a Seriously Brilliant Way to Go

hourglassWouldn't it be awesome if we could all write our own obituaries? That's exactly what Val Patterson of Ohio did. The 59-year-old passed away from throat cancer last week, but he got his autobiographical obit ready to print last fall. And I guess it's a good thing nobody read it before now, because Patterson used his final words to 'fess up to all kinds of indiscretions he kept secret during his lifetime, from stealing to lying to, apparently, being a less-than-model theme park guest:

"To Disneyland -- you can now throw away that 'Banned for Life' file you have on me, I'm not a problem anymore -- and SeaWorld San Diego, too, if you read this."

Patterson's obituary is funny and sweet and heartbreaking in its honesty -- he was obviously the kind of man who could steal the occasional business safe and still be an awesome all-around guy. But would most people choose to express such selfless sentiments with their last words?


If current Twitter trend #MyLastWordsBeforeIDie is any indication ... nah, not so much.

Clearly for the majority of the population, our final thoughts on this earth won't be all that much different from our everyday thoughts. Y'know -- food, pets, Star Wars.

Here are some of our faves:

Pornhub Katie ‏@Pornhub

#MyLastWordsBeforeIDie Delete my browsing history.

Delincy (Aug. 15th) ‏@DeliNeli

#MyLastWordsBeforeIDie Call me ... Maybe?

Cat Lady Probz ‏@CatLadyProbz_

#MyLastWordsBeforeIDie tell my cats I love them

Cool Pond ‏@cool_pond

#MyLastWordsBeforeIDie ""

[PH] Shiro ‏@ShiroUnlimited

#MyLastWordsBeforeIDie: Please TREND me on Twitter.

Heavenly Aminal ‏@MrPhetz

#MyLastWordsBeforeIDie please do a Weekend At Bernie's with me after this ok

She's So Lovely:) ‏@RaeJ07

#MyLastWordsBeforeIDie mom, don't look through my room or going to 

Stewey Griffn ‏@SteweyGriffn

#MyLastWordsBeforeIDie "Hold my vodka & watch this!!"

Professor Snape ‏@_Snape

#MyLastWordsBeforeIDie "You have your mother's eyes."

Ryan Hale ‏@RyanHale88

#MyLastWordsBeforeIDie why did luke and Leia kiss in episode 5: TheEmpire Strikes Back?? They're brother and sister?!

So, you're a cannibal.

I guess we'll find out if YOLO is really true ...

Ha! Gotta love these.

What would be your last words?


Image via Jamie/Flickr

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