Tonight’s State of the Union Is the Perfect Place for Obama to Get His Brag On

obamaTonight's the night, President Obama -- the 2012 State of the Union address. And you know what this means: It's also your first big stump speech for your re-election. Now I know from where you sit, the Republican primaries probably look like American Idol for White Guys in Suits crossed with Wipeout, but take nothing for granted. Get out your A-game.

This is the part where you tell the American people what you've accomplished -- not just in the past year, but in the past three years. This is where you tell us we're better off with you than with any of your Republican contenders. Don't laugh! I'm serious. Please, Mr. President, don't phone this one in. Look, I've brought in a couple of coaches for you.

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First up is George Clooney. Yeah, that's right, a movie star. But hear me out. Here's the quote that's been making the rounds throughout the Internets:

If (Obama) was a Republican running, because Republicans are better at this, they’d be selling him as the guy who stopped 400,000 jobs a month from leaving the country. They’d be selling him as the guy who saved the auto-industry. If they had the beliefs, they’d be selling him as the guy who got rid of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ who got Osama bin Laden. You could be selling this as a very successful three years.

More from The Stir: Obama's State of The Union Address: A Handy Dandy Summary

That's a pretty good list, wouldn't you say? Out of the mouths of babes, I'm telling you. Be sure and mention that Osama bin Laden guy. Like, 10 times at least. And we want to hear you sound PROUD of getting rid of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." A lot of us like that health care bill. We asked for it. Take credit for it! More people blame Congress for the rancor in Washington than they blame you. Play that one up.

Now here's political columnist Andrew Sullivan with the Daily Beast. He says you have delivered on what you "explicitly promised" in a way that "the unhinged right and purist left have yet to understand or absorb." Yay you! Por ejemplo: The US was losing around 750,000 jobs a month when you took office. Since the stimulus package took effect in 2010 the U.S. has added 2.4 million jobs (more than were added through the entire Bush administration) and we've shed 280,000 government jobs (in other words, shrinking the government -- OMG, for realz).

Now Barry -- can I call you Barry? No? Okay, Mr. President, when you throw a bunch of numbers at us, we do kind of blank out and get visions of a monkey riding a tricycle in circles around our brains. La la la! That's why the Republican fire-breathing "Just call him a socialist even though clearly no one knows what that even means" approach has been so effective. So use pictures and the phrase JOB CREATOR as much as possible. Here, I made a pic for you:

job creatorThrow in Nyan Cat and a rainbow, too, because Nyan Cat is magic and makes hate disappear. And mention that you lowered taxes for 95 percent of Americans. Mention that 95 percent means "almost all" for the people who have trouble taking in numbers. Now remember to smile and you go kick butt, Mr. President!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will you be watching the State of the Union address tonight?

 

Images via WhiteHouse.gov, Adriana Velez

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