Psychic Monkey Gives Newt Gingrich Awesome News

newt gingrichAmerica's cool. Not only is it a country that lets its citizens choose their political leaders (most of the time), it allows animals to get in on the action, as well. Confused? You should be! 'Cause it's gettin' all sorts of cray-cray up in the New Hampshire Republican Primary.

Grandpa is a spider monkey at the Staten Island Zoo. But not your run-of-the-mill spider monkey, a psychic spider monkey. And if his prophecies are correct, Mitt Romney isn't going to win the New Hampshire Primary, former House Speaker, and current unlikely presidential candidate, Newt Gingrich is! And for all you naysayers out there, let me just inform you of this: Grandpa has picked Super Bowl champions, as well as six of nine U.S. Open tennis winners. Looks like Gingrich versus Obama it is!


Here's how the fortune-telling simian's precise political prediction came to be. When he entered the zoo's rain forest exhibit on Monday, he was presented with six bananas, each containing the name of a GOP candidate. Grandpa immediately grabbed the Gingrich banana and gobbled it up, meaning, duh, Gingrich is going to win. At this point, it's like, why even bother with the race?

The only problem with psychic animals is they're ri-god-damn-diculous! I don't care if we're talking about Nelly, the adorable elephant soccer oracle, or Paul, the soothsaying World Cup octopus. They're insane! And they're -- just like most human psychics, FYI -- not psychic! Grandpa was just eating a banana. I get that it's all in good fun, but let the guy be. It's bad enough he's trapped in a zoo, he doesn't need the added pressure. As they say in New Hampshire, jeezum crow.

If they want his predictions for real, they ought to give him some air time on Fox and pay him six figures. Doesn't seem like something Fox would object to, you know?

Do you trust Grandpa's prediction?


Image via American Solutions/Flickr

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