10 Craziest Crime Fails of 2011

lightsabersHey, we all make stupid mistakes. A drunken trip to the tattoo parlor, a blind date with your dentist's nephew, a promise to pet-sit for your friend's boa constrictor. But most of us, thankfully, don't make stupid illegal mistakes.

And I'm not talking about Whoops, I didn't know my car would get towed if I parked there illegal mistakes.

I'm talking about deliberately committed crimes that are so harebrained, the average cartoon villain would roll his eyes and smack his forehead illegal mistakes.

Most of us don't make those, but some of us do. Which is fine by me. Online galleries of pathetic mug shots = hours of entertainment!

And this year, whew! This year, 2011, was a stellar year for stupid crimes. Here are 10 of my favorites ...


1. Lightsaber-wielding Toys 'R' Us shopper goes to the Dark Side. It's not clear why the 33-year-old Ohio man started wailing on fellow customers with a lightsaber, but it's pretty awesome interesting that he managed to knock away one of the cop's Taser wires with the toy. I hope he was making whoosh-whoosh noises at the time.

2. Gumby robs 7-Eleven (sort of). The good thing about dressing up like Gumby to rob 7-Eleven? You're unidentifiable on the security camera footage. The bad thing? Your get-up is so clumsy, you can't actually steal anything.

3. Drunk guy makes "run for the border." Everybody knows 24/7 Taco Bell drive-thrus are like lush magnets, but you're supposed to wait until you get back home to pass out with your mouth full of gordita.

4. Cokehead chick serves boyfriend a very, very expensive dinner. Why a girl would dose her man's meal with blow is a mystery to me. Why that man would then turn his girl into the cops is not.

5. Faux plastic surgeon gives woman cement-hard booty. He likes big butts and he cannot lie ... he can, however, inject a mix of cement, super glue, and mineral oil into some lady's rear and charge her $700. (Well, not anymore. On account of being arrested and all.)

6. Serial toe-sucker indulges granny fetish. There's nothing wrong with getting kinky, but if the 83-year-old woman sitting on her porch says no, that means you put the shoe back on, dude.

7. Frosty the Snowman has a serious meltdown. Somebody better lay off the corncob pipe, because cops don't like it when you kick their dog and/or take off your big snowman costume head and try to beat them with it.

8. Pooping bandit stinks up a school. The funniest thing about the man who repeatedly used a middle school's steps as his personal crapper is that he brought a roll of toilet paper with him every time. Crazy, yes. Unhygienic? No.

9. Drug trafficker's mouth is bigger than his stomach. Swallowing 72 capsules of cocaine before trying to board a plane ... talk about an overachiever! The only thing I want to know is, how did he think he was going to get those snow-caps out??

10. (Yet another) drunk guy thinks Pizza Hut is personal kitchen. If you were gonna break into a Pizza Hut for boneless chicken wings, why wouldn't you just cook them at home, where there are no security cameras? Oh yeah, because you're hammered.

What was the craziest crime fail you heard about this year?


Image via Vincent Ignace/Flickr

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