20 Things the God Particle Doesn't Explain

outer spaceAll day today the Internets have been a-buzz over what the media calls the "God particle." What is that? Apparently it's just a flashy name for the Higgs boson. You know, "a subatomic particle associated with a universal field permeating space that imparts mass to other particles as they encounter it," if you're asking the Christian Science Monitor.

So ... in English, please, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Does it explain what lit that first spark of life -- as implied by its name? Not. Even. Remotely. Apparently all it explains is how particles acquire mass. Which is what you spend your days wondering about, don't you, Sheldon Cooper! In fact, the list of Things the God Particle Does Not Explain is disappointingly long. Let's begin with ...

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  1. How did life on Earth begin?
  2. Is there a God?
  3. Where do we go when we die?
  4. What's the cure for the common cold?
  5. What is that crusty stuff on my kid's brand-new coat sleeve?
  6. Why can't Israel and Palestine get along?
  7. Why can't your kids get along?
  8. What brought Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries together in the first place?
  9. Is there life out in space?
  10. Where do my lost socks keep going?
  11. Do these jeans make my ass look big?
  12. Why does Scott Disick exist at all, let alone on television?
  13. What keeps Sarah Palin going -- long after we've all stopped caring?
  14. When will Brad and Angelina stop having children?
  15. When will Ryan Gosling return all my calls?
  16. What's that smell?
  17. Why are you wearing that?
  18. How much longer until we're there?
  19. Are mosquitoes really necessary?
  20. WHAT KILLED THE MEGAFAUNA?!?

Until these questions are illuminated by science, I refuse to be impressed by any news about this so-called God particle. So there.

Have you been following the God particle news? What else would you like explained?

 

Image via BlatantWorld.com/Flickr

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