7 Billionth Baby Will Need Some Serious Survival Skills

newbornI can see it already: In about 20 years, the global competition over who can rightfully claim the title of 7 billionth baby born. Early reports gave the honor to Danica May Camacho of the Philippines, but I'm pretty sure just about every human being born within the first 5 or 10 minutes of October 31, 2011 will dispute Danica's claim. (If not officially, then frequently and loudly at crowded bars. Hey, don't you want to spend the night with the 7 billionth human being ever born?)

Whoever #7,000,000,000 really is, she or he represents such a population milestone that people around the world are writing letters to the baby filled with everything from advice to expectations to warnings (don't get into debt!).

That's all well and good, but I think it's about time somebody really leveled with this kid ...

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Dear 7 billionth baby,

I can only imagine what the world will be like by the time you read this. Hopefully not a total post-apocalyptic wasteland, because my kids aren't that much older than you and I'd prefer if they didn't have to spend their adult lives as wandering vagrants like Viggo Mortensen and his kid in The Road.

Anyway, let's assume things aren't all that different from the way they are now. Or actually, let's just assume one major thing is the same: Celebrities rule the world.

If this is the case, little 7B, then you've got nothing to worry about. Like, you're golden. Seriously! Because you, my friend, are a celebrity. By virtue of your very birth!

But you can't just rest on your celebrity laurels, 7B. You're gonna have to work it, big time. Squeeze every last drop of notoriety out of yourself, Kardashian-style. (Are there still Kardashians? Perhaps you can consult a history professor or pop culture archivist.)

Should you follow the Path of the Fame-Seeker, you will never want for anything. (You will never pay for anything, either.) However, always remember that a dangerous detour could be lurking around the corner: the Way of the Lohan. Avoid the Way of the Lohan at all costs.

Still, should you fall, all is not lost. Some Fame-Seekers do attempt the Art of the Comeback, but it's nearly impossible to master. The last thing you want is to be stuck on some reality show hosted by Dr. Drew's grandson with a bunch of other losers who think THEY were the 7 billionth human being.

Oh, and I can't say for sure what the stock market will be like in 20 years or if big banks will even exist anymore or if real estate will still be a bust, but any cash you do make?

A shoebox under your bed is probably the best place to put it.

Good luck, little 7B. May the force be with you, or something.

What would you write to the 7 billionth baby born?

 

Image via Ginny Washburne/Flickr

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