Worst Hit Man Ever Stages Fake Murder With Ketchup

ketchupIt sounds like a romantic comedy starring, maybe, Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston or Russell Brand and Scarlett Johansson: The Hit Man and the Housewife. Love in the Time of Ketchup. Run, Roberto, Run!

But believe it or not, this story is 100 percent true.

Our madcap tale unfolds in the Brazilian town of Pidonbacu, where hitman Roberto de Jesus was hired by housewife Maria Nilza Simones to kill Iranildes Aguiar Araujo, the woman she suspected of having an affair with her husband. (For the sake of brevity, from this point forward, we'll stick to first names only.)

Now, I don't know where exactly Maria found Roberto ... is there a Brazilian Craigslist? All I know is that he couldn't have come too highly recommended, because this guy put the "ass" in assassin.

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See, once Roberto laid eyes on his intended victim, Iranildes, he fell madly in love with her. (Violin music swells!) Talk about a conflict of interest. How on earth could Roberto kill the woman of his dreams for a mere £345?

He couldn't, of course. So he came up with a plan to fake Iranildes' death (which, not surprisingly, Iranildes was happy to go along with).

Fair enough. It's the way they staged the murder that's forehead-slappingly stupid. A cartoon villain could have done better.

First, Roberto tied Iranildes up on the floor and put tape over her mouth. He ripped her shirt in several places and poured a couple of bottles of ketchup all over her. Then he stuck a knife in her armpit. You know, like the way 5-year-old boys do when they're playing to look like they got stabbed? Finally, he took a picture and offered it to Maria as evidence.

And guess what? Maria, who must be either legally blind or missing part of her frontal lobe, fell for it. Hmm, covered in red stuff, knife sticking out of her armpit ... looks dead to me! No wonder this lady hired the worst hitman ever.

Here's the part where Roberto and Iranildes should've skipped town. But they didn't. That's how Maria figured out the truth, three days later, when she saw Roberto and Iranildes kissing. In public. Where anyone could have seen them and noted that Iranildes was in fact alive and well.

Wow, what a bunch of morons, you're probably thinking. Doesn't get worse than that!

Oh, but it does! Because this is what Maria did after she spotted the kissing couple -- she went to the police and told them Roberto stole her money! SHE WENT TO THE POLICE AND TOLD THEM ROBERTO STOLE THE MONEY SHE PAID HIM TO KILL SOMEONE.

Ay-yi-yi!

So now Roberto and Iranildes are being charged with extortion and Maria is being charged with making threats to kill. The local sheriff said of the case, "I've never heard anything like it."

A "local shopkeeper" puzzled, "Could Maria not see that the knife was in the woman's armpit?"

Honestly, if I saw this unfold on the big screen, I'd probably say it was too ridiculous to be believable.

But that doesn't mean it wouldn't be box office gold!

Is this the most ridiculous true crime story you've ever heard?

 

Image via a2gemma/Flickr

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