Court Says Women's Breasts Will Ruin Civilization

toplessWill this country's War on Breasts ever end?? A panel of two judges in New Jersey ruled this week that breasts are a moral hazard. Or, to put a finer point on it, they decreed publicly exposed breasts to be a moral hazard. Yes, that's right. Baring breasts "violates the public's moral sensibilities," according to the judges who shot down artist Jill Coccaro's bid for the right to sunbathe topless.

I mentioned that this happened in New Jersey, right? So of course it goes without saying what the judges really meant is that baring breasts violates the public's moral sensibilities unless said breasts are attached to a naked woman in lucite heels gyrating on a tabletop. Bada-bing!


If only Coccaro had known when she was arrested several years ago for going topless on a New Jersey beach that all she needed was a g-string with dollar bills tucked into the waistband!

Apparently Coccaro's mom never sat her down for that all-important talk about the Purpose of Breasts in America (you know, that one you're supposed to get around the same time as your first training bra? It's kind of like the Pledge of Allegiance, except not.).

In case you blocked out the traumatic memory from your own adolescence, I'll remind you of the highlights:

Breasts are to function mainly as sources of entertainment for men. However, as our country has a centuries-long tradition of associating shame with sexual desire rooted deeply in Puritanical tradition, men must not be confronted with exposed breasts in any situation other than those officially accepted as sex-related: Strip clubs, topless bars, peep shows, motel rooms, bedrooms (any room within a private residence is feasible provided the shades are drawn), business offices if the doors are locked, and doctor's offices (as long as a paper gown is at least offered).

Any woman who fails to comply with these limitations is subject to arrest, fines, imprisonment, and/or nasty, judgmental glares. For example, women must never breastfeed babies in public (unless one of those completely impractical and uncomfortable tent contraptions is used), sunbathe topless, go out braless in tops that are a tiny bit too sheer, or swim in any body of water without a bikini top.

It's a lot to remember, I know. Basically, it boils down to this: Our breasts do not belong to us. They are more than simply a part of our anatomy, they are a menace to society.

Breasts are powerful, and our society knows how to do only one thing with power: Abuse it.

Why do you think our country can't handle the sight of a bare breast?


Image via Pascal Terjan/Flickr

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