Carmageddon 2011: 5 Reasons Angelenos Won't Survive

For Los Angeles, this weekend is going to be HELL ON EARTH. Seriously, people. Look out. It's Carmageddon. The 405 freeway -- the primary North-South thoroughfare through the city’s West Side -- will be closed for a stunning 53 hours. How will they survive?

The planned work that will widen the highway will also likely clog surface streets in the vicinity of the interstate so severely, some are being warned not to leave their homes.

As the resident of a city where I walk or bike or jog to almost everything, this concept is foreign to me. Stay home for a couple days or bike to where you need to go, right?

Of course, I have been to Los Angeles more than a dozen times in my life and spent long periods of time there. I know the traffic is bad. But is it so bad to justify the incredibly wimpy things Angelenos have been displaying in relation to Carmageddon?

Here are a few:

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  • Flights within the city are selling out: JetBlue Airways on Wednesday offered special $4 nonstop flights between Long Beach Airport and Burbank's Bob Hope Airport for Saturday. The $4 one-way tickets include taxes and fees, and for $1 more, travelers could buy first-class treatment, including extra leg room and early boarding privileges. If only they also offered Botox, then all the Angelenos would feel right at home.
  • Special calming mixes are being made: LA is so pampered that Composer Ken Elkinson recently put together a collection of songs to calm them all the hell down. The six-disc box set is available online for free download until midnight, July 18, after road work concludes.
  • Over Exaggeration abounds: One county supervisor has called it "the mother of all traffic jams," but I can't imagine it is much worse than the traffic in any hurricane or natural disaster evacuation route where drivers can sometimes be stranded for upwards of 16 hours or more. Buck up Los Angeles and stop being such drama queens!
  • Celebrities Must Tweet for Help: Because the city is unnaturally obsessed with "the business," The Los Angeles Police Department is reaching out to Tweeting celebrities and asking them to tweet traffic warnings. Because we all know most people in LA get more news from Twitter feeds than like actual real newspapers or National Public Radio.
  • Discount Botox: To avoid the stress lines that come from actually having to deal with something somewhat stressful, Dr. Arnold Klein, Michael Jackson's dermatologist is offering 25 percent off Botox injections all weekend. "Instead of being stuck on the freeway," he said, "you could be ... more beautiful."

Ah, Los Angeles. When the real armageddon comes, I want to be far, far away from you. The zombies will gobble your pampered brains far before the rest of the country's.

Do you think Angelenos are being silly?

 

Image via Keng Susumpow/Flickr

 

 

 

 

 

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