Obama's Birthday Bash Is Going to Be Lame, Anyway

barack obamaI've got about two weeks to raise $35,800. President Obama's 50th birthday party is going down August 3 in Chicago. Tickets for the birthday/fundraiser cost as low as $50, but I'm only interested in the cream of the crop tix. The ones that cost $35,800 -- I've got my eye on those bad boys.

So, if you're looking at it like I am, I've got to sell about 77,000 cups of lemonade to bring in that kind of dough. So ... I'm screwed. Can't make life's lemonade when you can't afford no lemons. There's no way I'm going to get to go.

It's such a bummer because I hate missing birthday bashes, especially those thrown by world leaders. Gah! I miss everything.

But it doesn't sound like I'll be missing too much of a party ...

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I guess I'm consoled that Jennifer Hudson is rumored to be performing. To be honest, I'd be kind of let down if that was the best entertainment my $36K got me. I'd be like, "Where's B and Jay-Z?" And then I'd be thrown out.

We can all dream, can't we? Isn't that what this campaign is about? Making dreams come true? Or was it something about making changes. Either way, there's no way I'll be able to sell nearly 80,000 Dixie cups of Crystal Light between now and early August. At best I could probably sell 5, I'm not very approachable/I scare kids. So! New plan.

To get to $38K in the next few weeks, I could hang out by an ATM and wait for a negligent security guy to leave a sack of money around. Or I could hope my bank wishes me dead. Or I could try to steal Jeter's ball. Or beg billionaire David Tepper to give me access to his $100 million checking account. Hmm. This isn't looking good.

OK OK OK. Say I did get the money somehow. I would expect quite a fete for that kind of dough. It's taking place at the Aragon Ballroom in Chicago and celebs, entertainers, and rich donors will all be in attendance. So ... I'd expect someone a little better than J. Huds to perform. It's not that she's bad, but what, seriously, no Beyonce? She sang at the Inaugural Ball, so I know she's a Barack fan.

I'd also want a hug from the President, not just a handshake, for that kind of money. I think it'd be cool if he signed my resume too -- give it the old presidential seal of approval. And I would like to eat some fries with Michelle and talk about J.Crew and gardening. And it wouldn't hurt if I got to sit down with Sasha and Malia and figure out this whole Justin Bieber/Selena Gomez romance. So yeah, that's my dream. But his party is going to be tooootally lame, anyway. Yeah, like whooo would want to go to that?

(But, uh, anyone want to buy some lemonade?)

Would you want to go to Obama's birthday partay?


Photo via alfcio/Flickr

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