We're Screwed: SuperMoon Closing In on Earth

moonIt was nice knowing everyone. Even you, old high school math teacher. Things are about to get pretty hairy here in the next few days, so just wanted to get my "good-byes" out there before it's too late. SuperMoon is upon us, and yes, that's a real-life scientific word, and stuff. Our fair nighttime celestial friend is coming in for a closer look at Earth and will orbit a mere 221,567 miles away from us on March 19, 2011. The consequences of this lunar hug are yet unknown.

The last SuperMoon was in 2005, but this is the first time Moon and Earth will dance this close since the SuperMoon of 1992. If you're thinking: Hmm, can we blame any freaky cicumstances on this so-called SuperMoon? Yes. Yes we can.


I for one am a fan of all generalized and poorly articulated conspiracies, so I will jump right in here and say SuperMoon can be blamed for some of our planet's worst natural disasters. The 9.0 Indonesian earthquake and resultant tsunami that killed hundreds of thousands of people in 2005 were just days before the SuperMoon. In 1992, the Northeast was blasted with a crippling blizzard during the SuperMoon, and in 1974, Cyclone Tracy flattened Darwin, Australia during ... the SUPERMOON.

Listen. Wow. Do I need to go any further? I care not to respond to critics who say that we've had other natural disasters, massive, devastating disasters even when there wasn't a SuperMoon. Like the earthquake in Haiti, the tsunami in Thailand, the day I showed up to the wrong location to take the S.A.T.s ... no matter. The SuperMoon was on vacation then, visiting Mars or something. Doesn't take away from what she's done in the past, or what she's capable of this time around.

Boring scientists say the only effects we'll definitely see are a lower than usual low-tide and a higher than normal high-tide. Yeah right, "scientists." You just want the underground hatches all to yourselves.

And wasn't there just a volcanic eruption in Hawaii? Whoa. Wow. SuperMoon started early this year. We've only days to prepare, fellow citizens. Eleven to be exact, and counting. Definitely going to hold off doing my taxes.

Are you afraid of the SuperMoon? You should be.

Photo via jurvetson/Flickr

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