Mass Animal Deaths: What's the Government Hiding?

apocalypse clouds skyOkay, let me get all the ridiculous explanations about the recent string of mass animal deaths straight. Fireworks went off in a bazillion towns around the world on New Year's Eve, including mine, but only drove the thousands of sleeping birds in small towns in Arkansas, Louisiana, and Kentucky to fly nightblind into obstructions and break their necks. The kadrillion sleeping birds in every other town across the planet ... they're just deep sleepers?

And um, there were no fireworks going off in Sweden where the jackdraws were found dead, by the way. So much for that crappy theory! Oh and all those dead fish, also in Arkansas, most likely just died of some disease. Mmmhmm, I see. Just a fish-killing disease. Shrug. We don't eat much fish anyway. No big. Puh-lease!

Sounds like a major coverup to me. And the mass animal death stories keep coming in. What's really going on?


Today I woke up to more dead animal news: two million dead fish were just found in Maryland and 40,000 dead crabs found in England. And how are scientists (or should I say government agents posing as scientists?) explaining away these deaths? Oh it's "cold weather." Uh, doesn't cold weather come around every year? It's called winter, smartypantses.

Do they really think we're complete imbeciles or something? Obviously something big is going down, and no one's telling us the truth. Here are some very scary ideas I'm milling over right now.

8 Explanations for All the Mass Animal Deaths:

  1. Government conspiracy: Well, obviously. No matter what's going on, they're totally covering it up, trying to ward off mass hysteria.
  2. Aliens: It bears repeating. And these aliens are animal murderers! And invisible! And everywhere!
  3. End of the world: Hello, here it comes!
  4. Poltergeists: Theeeeey're here. Stay away from mirrors in the bathroom, closets where the lights come on, and clown dolls.
  5. Zombies: They kill animals right before they start feasting on human flesh. We're all about to be living in the Thriller video.
  6. Angry God: We've really pissed him off. Face it. He gives us brains and this beautiful place to live and thrive, and we produce the Real Housewives and Jersey Shore. What good are we?
  7. Global death: Wake up, people! We're killing our planet. Deadly toxins in the air and in the water. Seriously, I think this might really be it.
  8. Deadly combo: Maybe 6 + 7 + 1 = 3

What do you think they're hiding from us?


Image via KFDL/Flickr

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