Happy Holidays! (Hey, Them's Fightin' Words)

happy holidaysHave you wished anyone happy holidays this week? Then you have joined the War on Christmas. Shame on you for having a little respect for your fellow man and wishing them general glad tidings at this time of year!

You're letting the terrorists win! Oh, wait, wrong religious fight? Excuse me, I get confused this time of year. There's a war on Christmas! No there's not! Yes there is! It's enough to make me want to curl up on the couch and ask Santa if he'd just bring me a bottle of wine and a neck pillow for the holidays. I wouldn't mind sleeping until the holidays are over. But first, some facts:


The War on Christmas is a theory that the economy is driving the "reason for the season" right out of December. According to its backers (largely right-wing Christians), the politically correct are forcing Jesus' birthday to the background in order to make this a commercial holiday. The truly hardcore go even further: it's an attempt to kill Christianity entirely in favor of pagan rituals like Yule.

Leading the charge is the American Family Association (AFA). There are 13 companies on the AFA list of Companies Against Christmas for 2010. That includes newcomers Banana Republic, Gap (which is technically owner of BR anyway), and LL Bean, all factions in the War on Christmas. So have they taken the sweet little baby Jesus and made him go diaperless? Let the donkeys poop in the manger? Oh no, my friends. They've truly gone over to the dark side. These are the kind of companies that have encouraged their employees to say "happy holidays" rather than Merry Christmas (or Happy Hanukkah or Merry Festivus for that matter).

They're the type of companies that set up "holiday shops" and sell "family trees" to all Americans, not just Christians. They're marked in red on a Department of Homeland Security-like color-coded watchlist from the AFA. Talk about ominous. After all, the AFA says these are the companies that "may use 'Christmas' sparingly in a single or unique product description, but as a company, does not recognize it."

If you're a "War on Christmas" devotee, you must see that these companies are absolutely killing the baby Jesus with every Xmas advertisement. It couldn't be the parents bringing guns to Toys R Us on Black Friday to protect their kids' greed. It's the PC police doing the real damage. They now throw holiday parades (not Christmas parades) in your towns and holiday shows at your kids' school. As Gretchen Carlson of Fox News reminded us just this week, they're "taking away" Christmas by, gasp, letting other people enjoy their own versions of the season right alongside us.

The nerve of these people! Enjoying this month when everyone knows Christians invented holly berries and poinsettias and big gaudy bows. Muslims couldn't be attending these parades with their kids, and Hindu people couldn't be out shopping for their families this time of year! Maybe we need to report them to the Grinch Alert, a list created by the latest nut jobs War on Christmas soldiers, the folks at First Baptist Church in Dallas, Texas, to rack up a boycott list of businesses and communities that dare to wish Americans season tidings that are not Christian in nature.

Or we could follow all this up with one more fact. Some celebrate Hanukkah. I celebrate Christmas. And some Americans just like to get through the year without a hassle. In the wonderful melting pot that is the United States, there's room for them all and then some. How about taking the greeting as it was meant: to wish you, whatever holiday you celebrate or not, a pleasant time of year. That means Christmas too.

If you don't want to be happy, then Bah Humbug to you! Next up: New Years -- no one owns that ... yet!


Image via Mykl Roventine/Flickr

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