King of Spam Busted! How Shall We Punish the Jerk?

spam king arrestedThe guy responsible for 1/3 of the spam in your inbox is being arraigned on Monday in Milwaukee, and your spam folder is probably shrinking. Oleg Nikolaenko, a 23-year-old Russian kid that ran the world's largest automated botnet, sent out 10 billion spam emails a day, hawking everything from erectile dysfunction drugs to fake Rolex watches.

You've seen his work, right?

Nikolaenko was charged under a 2003 federal law called the CAN-SPAM Act where the punishment can be up to five years imprisonment. Slap on the wrist, much?

While I've never been tempted to enlarge my member, apparently many people are taken with spam and counterfeiters are getting rich. But really, Nikolaenko is going down for annoying people everywhere. I think there are more creative ways to punish the King of Spam, don't you?

Here's a list of the most annoying and time-consuming things that Nikolaenko should have to take care of for everyone who has ever received one of his "exciting" opportunities.


1. Clean out my inbox. Since he's been sending this stuff out for years, he'll know what's important and what's not in my overflowing email. After he's finished with mine, he can take on yours.

2. Dusting my bookshelves. I can never quite get around to emptying the shelves of the books and doing a true dust. If Oleg could take care of that little annoyance, I think we'd all sleep better at night.

3. Hand-washing clothes. Washing my clothes by hand that can't make it through the machine is a pain in the ass. If he could just take care of my dainties, then move on to everybody else's, it would be a better dressed, cleaner world.

4. Detailing my car. Something I haven't done (or had done) in the nine months that I've actually owned a car. Come on down, Nikolaenko!

5. Nit picking. With six to twelve million people getting lice every year, Nikolaenko could be the world's official nit picker. Travelling from house to house with his fine-toothed comb and tea tree oil, he could actually make the world a better place.

What do you think Oleg Nikolaenko should have to do for flooding all of our inboxes with spam?

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