President Obama Celebrates 49th Birthday Without These 49 Party Poopers

Barack ObamaMichelle Obama has been busy circulating a birthday card for President Barack Obama's 49th birthday today.

But for all the millions of signatures she's gotten, we're willing to bet there are plenty of folks who would just take the piece of cake and run:


1. Glenn Beck. He thinks the president "hates white people," and he hates him right back.

2. Shirley Sherrod. The White House's decision to let Breitbart make staffing decisions has yet to be fixed -- even with offers of a new position for the former Department of Agriculture staffer.

3. Dale Robertson. The founder of the Tea Party once posed with a sign calling Obama a "niggar" (sic). Too bad the president can spell.

4. Gen. Stanley McChrystal. If the Rolling Stone article wasn't evidence enough that these two men are on different pages, how about that firing resignation?

5. Sarah Palin. She doesn't think the president has any "cojones." Flirting with 50 sounds pretty ballsy.

6. Rod Blagojevich. He's still on hold for his call from the White House.

7. Maureen Dowd. The columnist doesn't think the president is black enough.

8. Jan Brewer. The Arizona governor isn't laughing at the "comic in chief."

9. Snooki. The president had the audacity to tell the ladies on The View he isn't sure who she is. Worst thing you could ever say about a guidette?

10. Robert Dudley. The new BP CEO isn't exactly buddying up to the White House. And look what he's stuck with now that Hayward's gone?

11. Mike Cox. The Michigan attorney general has put up challenges to both Obama's healthcare bill and the feds contesting of the Arizona immigration law. He's jonesing for a fight.

12. Michele Bachmann. What is this about impeaching the president?

13. Rush Limbaugh. He's with the birthers right now -- who says it's really Obama's birthday today?

14. Orly Taitz. The head of the birther's movement will only celebrate if she can find a Kenyan certificate that says today's the day.

15. Sharron Angle. She thinks the president is making government a "false God." Maybe she'll pray for him today?

16. Charlie Rangel. The Democrat is getting no backing from the White House as ethics charges mount.

17. Mark Zandi. The economist from Moody's was accused by the White House of being a McCain advisor. A job he never held. Whose credibility was hurt here?

18. Federal Appointees. The president just froze their bonuses; who has cash for a present?

19. Anwar al-Awlaki. The Yemeni native is a U.S. citizen, and he's on the most wanted terrorist list. But the ACLU is suing the Obama administration on his behalf.

20. Roy Barnes. The former Georgia governor wants his old job back, but he's busy downplaying any ties with the president lest they hurt his chances.

21. Bill White. The Democratic gubernatorial candidate in Texas isn't looking for Obama's help to win the seat.

22. Fred Phelps. Mr God Hates Fags himself won't be leading the Westboro Baptist Church in a chorus of "Happy Birthday Barack" anytime soon. But they might protest that he's allowed to breathe.

23. Angelina Jolie. Sources have said in the past that the actress "hates" Obama. Such a strong word, Angie; would you let Maddox use that one?

24. John McCain. The former opponent in the presidential race is still at odds with PBO. McCain says Obama needs to "stop blaming things on Bush." Bush, by the way, is apparently doing war whoops and lighting candles in honor of the guy who took the big mess off his hands.

25. Laura Ingraham. Her copy of the first family's diaries is not exactly a send-up. Then again, if sales are good maybe she will toast the president.

26. Danielle Staub. What, she's expected to celebrate someone other than herself?

27 and 28. Dylan and Cole Sprouse. The twins who star on the Disney Channel's Suite Life On Deck have to share their birthday with each other ... and now with a president.

29. Joe Biden. He's the VP to the first black president. Is anyone going to remember him when this is all over?

30. Elena Kagan. She can't even play softball anymore without the cameras showing up. Couldn't he have left her in Harvard Yard?

31. Jenny Erikson. The Stir's conservative blogger doesn't think the president loves his country as much as she does.

32. Dick Cheney. Thinks the president is wrong on just about everyone. But come to think of it, he might issue an invite for hunting this weekend.

33. Samuel "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher. Did you know he's a politician now? And it wasn't Obama who got him the job.

34. Reverend Jeremiah Wright. The president's former pastor says the Jews are keeping him from Barack, but that's A-OK with him.

35. Michaele and Tareq Salahi. He didn't invite them to the party.

36. Chelsea Clinton. Wasn't the lack of a wedding invite enough?

37. Bill Clinton. HE was the first black president. Right? Right?

38. Levi Johnston. Until he's offered a chance to milk the White House for an additional 15 minutes, there will be no celebrating. Although he's not against nudity. Maybe popping out of a cake?

39. Al Gore. There might be a massage therapist at the party.

40. Sean Hannity. He might be asked to share his cake with people who make less money than him.

41. The Troops. Dang it, they're still over there.

42. Lainey Melnick. The Democratic candidate for Congress wanted to attend an Obama fundraiser, but she didn't have $30,000. And would you believe the White House wouldn't let her in for free? At a fundraiser?

43. Lloyd Blankfein. The Goldman Sachs CEO wasn't invited to watch the president sign the new Wall Street reforms; so why should he?

44. Michael Hastings. The Rolling Stone reporter who interviewed Stanley McChrystal just got his comeuppance -- he was denied the chance to be embedded with the troops.

45. Amber Lee Ettinger. Obama Girl has a lot more on her mind these days -- like writing a book.

46. Hugh Hefner. Hef says FDR was a better president.

47, 48, and 49. Michelle, Sasha, and Malia Obama. They're going out of town!


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