Toddler's Epic Public Bathroom Play-by-Play Is Every Parent's Worst Nightmare

tara wood writer
Tara Wood, Writer/Facebook

We know that kids say the darndest thing and that for whatever reason, toddlers happen to be at their prime in public bathrooms. Whether it's their thoughtful (and loud) observations about your parts while you're trying to quickly squat, or their blurted-out comments about smells coming from the next stall, many cringeworthy moments happen in busy restrooms. Nothing proves this more than what happened when Tara Wood's little girl decided that she had to pee during a Marshalls shopping trip.

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Tara described the epic encounter that took place last year in a Facebook post and it's going viral again because it's just so good -- and horrifyingly relatable -- all at the same time. After her daughter, Norah, suddenly grabbed her pants and started doing the potty dance in the middle of an aisle, Tara hustled her to the back of the store in search of the bathroom. Every parent knows the feeling when you're trying to get your toddler to the toilet before a wet-pants situation, but when these two made it to the bathroom, Mom wasn't safe from an embarrassing situation.

laughing little girl
Tara Wood, Writer/Facebook

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"There was someone in one of the stalls already and she was stinking it up. Like, my eyes stung and watered," she wrote on Facebook. "There was a vacant stall, though, so I lead Norah to that one and tried to get her in and out of there as quickly as possible before I made audible gagging noises or the odor of this lady's defecation permeated the fibers of my clothing." 

Tara noted that despite the pungent odor wafting under the stall and attacking their nostrils, the other occupant was being suspiciously quiet -- most likely because she was waiting for them to get out of there ASAP so she could continue sh*tting in peace.

At this point, Tara started silently motioning for Norah to hurry up, as the toddler was just sitting on the potty not doing her business -- and the smell was making this mom feel like she wanted to die. "Then the lady in the stall next to us released a long series of machine gun farts that were so deep and powerful that I felt the earth move underfoot. I guess she just couldn't clench any longer. Bless," she wrote. "I held my breath and looked at Norah, whose eyes were full of amused surprise and big as dinner plates. I prayed that the smile spreading across her face wasn't an indication of the cringe-worthy f*ckery this three-year-old loose cannon was about to spew from her mouth."

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Tara put her finger up to her lips to form the universal sign for "Shhh ... don't say anything," and just prayed that her toddler would stay silent:

Norah: "Howy cwap, Mom. You here dat? Dat was some big farts. That lady next to me? That lady right der? She was farting and farting and farting. She had some big ones. You okay? Lady? You okay with dem big farts in there? You need some help? Dems some pop, pop, pop, farts..."

Lady: ...

Me (utterly mortified for that woman): "Norah! Hush! Just wipe and let's go, please."

Norah: "Okay, okay....you smell dat? She already pooped too. She's farting and farting and pooping altogether at the same times. That's a lot of smell and pop pop farts, right Mom?"

And that's when I picked her up, pants still around her ankles, and carried her out of the bathroom, walked five aisles away, and slathered enough hand sanitizer on both of us to kill any Ebola that might be lingering in our neighboring states.

So, lady in the Marshalls bathroom with ass gas so deep and bass-heavy that it could have easily been mistaken for one of those weird horns they use in the Ricola commercials, if you're reading this, I'd like to apologize for my daughter's play by play of your angry bowel situation.

Tara already knew that Norah was going through a stage where she was super into anything having to do with farting, but the little girl proved to both her mom and the stranger in the bathroom that toddlers simply have no shame. "Kids are dreadful and highly inappropriate," Tara added as her closing words for the poor stranger from the bathroom. "Hope your bunghole is a'ight."

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