Mom Admits That a Piece of Her Dies Daily & You Need to Hear Her Out

mary katherine backstrom mom babble
Mom Babble by Mary Katherine Backstrom

Every day since Mary Katherine Backstrom has become a mom, at least one piece of her dies -- and she isn't afraid to admit it. Although most moms feel themselves losing bits of the woman they once were and sometimes struggle to recognize the person they've become after years of diaper changes and tantrums, Mary Katherine refuses to hide those dead nuggets of herself or sweep them away along with Cheerio or pancake crumbs from her kiddo's breakfast. Instead, she's happy to see them go.

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"My son is in his high chair and I'm cleaning the floor and dishes. His arm magically transforms into a windshield wiper against the tray. Waffle and oranges fly across the room," the Mom Babble blogger wrote. "Rising up inside of me is a piece of my heart that is angry and impatient. And then I catch my son's eyes -- bright and bubbling with laughter -- and that angry little piece of me dies."

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Mom Babble by Mary Katherine Backstrom

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The same thing happens when she's comfortable in bed but starts to hear cries coming from his crib before sunrise. "A piece of me longs for the days when Saturday meant sleeping in until 10," she wrote. "Then I remember: mornings are Nugget's best time. When he tries new words and flirts with his mommy. And that piece of lazy longing dies."

When Mary Katherine is trying on new clothes at Target only to realize that nothing fits the way it should -- despite losing the baby weight -- an old part of herself chimes in with a "helpful" reminder. "'Before the baby, you would have looked awesome in that dress...' And then I remember that skinnier, more fashionable me," she wrote. "Whose dreams and hopes centered around the possibility of a life with children. And that bratty, self-deprecating piece of me dies."

By the time nap time rolls around, she is usually soaking up that coveted silence when her mind starts to ache at the memory of quiet independence from her past. "Of books on the couch and long lunches. But then I think of his laughter ... and the sound of his little feet, pitter-pattering across the tiles of our family home," she wrote. "And that rogue little ache, that selfish piece of me, quickly dies."

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Since giving birth, Mary Katherine has learned something that nobody tells you about having a child: Motherhood has such a strange dichotomy. "It is life-giving and exhausting. It constantly exercises my faith, tests my patience, and stretches my heart," she wrote. "But, as a result, my faith and patience are stronger. My heart is bigger."

Although there are times when she starts to feel like she's reaching the end of her rope, Mary Katherine realizes that her rope is getting longer. "It's true that every day I'm a mother, a little piece of me dies. But I will not mourn these losses," she wrote. "My child is making me a better person every day. And then the piece of me that doubts I'm doing this 'mom thing' right ... it dies, too. And I'm left with gratitude."

Gratitude and, admittedly, a floor covered in waffle bits to go along with it.

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