5 Reasons Calling Trump a 'Terroristic Man-Toddler' Is Unfair ... to Toddlers

toddler tantrum

The phrase "terroristic man-toddler" is trending on Twitter right now, which will come as no surprise to anyone following the current presidential election. However, with the utmost respect to writer Charles M. Blow, who penned the fantastic article that sparked this delightful trending phrase, I must object -- on behalf of toddlers everywhere who are too busy melting down in grocery stores and trying to shove jelly beans up their noses to do it themselves.


While it may seem like The Donald has a lot of things in common with the average toddler (short attention span, short fuse, tiny ... hands ...), there are a few things that set actual toddlers apart from our reality star turned would-be-leader of the free world.

1. Toddlers can learn.

Yes! Amazingly, these feral creatures develop and grow every day. They can be taught to do things like poop in a potty, say "please" and "thank you," and, if you play your cards right, fetch you things like the remote control and the mint Milanos.

Strangely, this capacity for learning and growth appears to be completely nonexistent in the case of the 70-year-old Cheeto currently in the running to have access to our nation's nuclear launch codes.

2. Sometimes toddlers just need a nap.

Any mom will tell you: A sleep-deprived toddler is a literal demon from Hell. But, amazingly, often all it takes is a couple hours of drooling and snoozing peacefully in the car seat while you drive around in circles and mull over your life choices, and your cranky, unreasonable jerk will wake up sweet as pie (for at least five minutes!).

Alas, no amount of sleep seems to improve Mr. Trump's temperament. (Maybe he needs a different car seat?)

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3. Toddlers, as a rule, love and appreciate women.

I speak from experience. Toddlers know what side their crustless bread is buttered on -- and while they may cause you the most mortifying several eons of your life now and then by throwing tantrums in Target, screaming curse words in front of clergy members, or pulling your shirt up in the post office, they also cherish and love their mamas. With all their little hearts.

That is to say, it's very unusual for a toddler to mock a woman for her weight, call a female reporter a c*nt, or even recommend watching sex tapes at 5 a.m.!  

4. Toddlers will (sometimes) share.

"Mine" is a toddler's favorite word (after, of course, "NO"), but that doesn't mean that they won't, on occasion, share their toys, or even their partially eaten cookies, with you. Sometimes they even allow you to use their most cherished possessions: your car keys and your cell phone!

Sharing is not high on our friend the walking hairpiece's list of qualities -- something we can glean from the fact that not only does he not like to pay the people who work for him, but he apparently also doesn't like to pay his share of the money we need to have things like public school teachers, an army, and roads.

5. Toddlers may bite and toddlers may scratch, but they are hardly ever sued for racial discrimination!

This is perhaps a little-known fact.


In sum, on behalf of toddlers everywhere, and the people who love them, I beg you, please, let's not further malign these adorable pint-size terrors by further associating them with the man who -- though certainly in need of a time-out, a nap, and perhaps a clean diaper -- is no toddler.


Image via iStock.com/kali9

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