The NRA's 'Revised' Fairytales Teach Our Kids to Use Guns -- Hell, No

nra red riding hood

We've all been there: You're reading your kid a classic fairy tale at bedtime, and you think to yourself, "This is a great story, but how much greater would it be if it had guns?" Actually, wait -- NONE of us have been there, but that's not stopping the National Rifle Association from coming out with a revised set of fairy tales that put firearms in the hands of such characters as Little Red Riding Hood. 


It's propaganda disguised as -- well, I'm not sure what, exactly. It seems as if the NRA is shooting (haha) for some sort of "empowerment" angle, suggesting that the protagonists of their weapon-centric narratives are much better off with guns in hand (the implication being that your kids would be, too). An editor's note on the NRA website reads:

Have you ever wondered what those same fairy tales might sound like if the hapless Red Riding Hoods, Hansels and Gretels had been taught about gun safety and how to use firearms?

Well, now that you ask ... nope! Never wondered about that one bit. But now we don't have to, thanks to the NRA and author Amelia Hamilton. Speaking about her characters on the NRA's "Cam & Co." radio show, Hamilton said, “They are avoiding all of these horrific situations that happen in fairy tales that are really very violent. If kids are taught safety in general, all of this could be avoided.” 

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This logic is almost absurdly hard to follow, but I'm pretty sure what she's trying to say is that if kids learn how to use guns safely, they won't be devoured by talking wolves or cooked and eaten by forest-dwelling witches who live in candy houses. And hey, she might be right.

But here's the thing: Here in the real world, talking wolves and witches are not in fact very common threats to our children's safety, whereas guns ARE. According to the Gun Violence Archive, approximately one child is fatally shot every other day in this country; American children are nine times more likely to die in gun accidents than children anywhere else in the developed world.

Compare that to statistics concerning wolf and/or witch-related deaths, which are significantly ... non-existent, and it's clear that these fairy tales have nothing to do with kids' safety and everything to do with indoctrinating the next generation of anti gun control Americans. 

Look, I'm not dense. I get that the fairy tale villains are metaphors here. But the concept itself is so dense -- and potentially dangerous -- that it deserves this kind of treatment. And if you're not already in agreement with me, maybe this excerpt from the NRA's "Hansel & Gretel" will convince you:

The boys directed Hansel to the key that would unlock their cage while Gretel stood at the ready with her firearm just in case, for she was a better shot than her brother. Hansel unlocked the cage and opened the door.

The hinges gave a groan and the sound of the witch's snoring stopped, the silence filling the room as they looked at each other in panic. Gretel got her rifle ready, but lowered it again when the snoring resumed.

"Gretel got her rifle ready." If I didn't know this was real, I'd swear this was a story from The Onion or an idea for an SNL skit. Just check out this  illustration -- is Little Red Riding Hood in the zombie apocalypse?!
Yeah. It would almost be funny if it weren't so damn scary. And sad. Still, I have to hope that the vast majority of parents feel the same way -- even parents who aren't in favor of gun control. Because this isn't about politics, it's just about common sense. And safety, above all.
Image via Amelia/Twitter
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