Baby Disqualified From Crawl-a-Thon for Cheating

Listen, we all love to enter our babies in contests that challenge them and help determine their worth before they are out of diapers. What we expect, however, is that these contests will be done fairly and with a minimum of doping. This week, however, drooling mouths are agape after a baby was disqualified from a Minnesota crawl-a-thon race for cheating.



The world of baby crawl-a-thon races, where babies are bred for speed, has long been a source of good-natured family fun and disappointment. But mother Samantha Moore from Lakeville, Minnesota, is furious after her baby, Berkley, was disqualified (despite inarguably thrashing the other babies in her heat) after the judges determined that she had been "scooting," and not crawling.

Shame, Cersei. Shame. Shame.

Lately, the definition of what "crawling" is has been a source of contention for the Lakeville Pan-O-Prog Crawl-A-Thon. Last year's winner was also disqualified because he was doing a "bear crawl" on his hands and feet, instead of going on his hands and knees like a good Christian crawler. Also, he was 35 years old. (That last sentence is a joke. But the rest is 100 percent real.)

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The race organizers also allowed a child to compete this year who was doing an "army crawl" because he was using his hands and his knees were on the floor.

If you think this is getting unnecessarily complicated, then you are wrong and have no competitive spirit.

In the future, parents with unnaturally fast babies should consider holding them out of these kinds of races. It's not worth their time and it's unfair to all of the slow, inferior babies. We can only race babies for crawling speed if we can be sure that the winner is legit. Otherwise, what's to stop parents from entering babies who can run? Nature? Maybe. But we have rules for a reason.

Pan-O-Prog president Diana Neameyer refuses to allow these races to become a joke: 

We just try to keep it fair for everybody ... We've been doing this for years and have not had a problem. All of the sudden, we have people having problems with Baby Crawl-A-Thon. If it gets to be a real issue, we'll just cancel it. It's not worth our hassle and stress to try to appease everyone.

Now that's fair.


Image via Ausloeser/Corbis


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