'50 Shades of Grey' Reviewed By a No-Holds-Barred Teenager Will Make You Blush

fuzzy handcuffsIf you finished up Twilight and asked yourself, "Where was all the sex?" someone probably reminded you it was supposed to be a book for teenagers. And then Fifty Shades of Grey came out. Finally! A trashy romance book for the adults! Until the teenagers started reading E.L. James' erotic novel.


It seems Christian Grey isn't the only one getting moms all hot and bothered lately. Parents are freaking out that their kids are reading about bondage. I guess we should have been expecting this, right? Adult women wandered into trashy teen lit territory with the Stephenie Meyer series. It only serves us right that they're sneaking into our camp.

So is this book leaving our teenagers 50 shades of screwed up? Maybe this will set your mind at ease. We set a 15-year-old up with the book, and got her to share her hilarious rant online:

On Christian:

All I have to say about Grey is that he is a nutcase. He’s one of those guys your mother (and your best friend) tells you to stay away from. He’s a creep. He stalks Ana, refuses to listen to a lot of what she wants changed in the rules (and she then backs down and agrees, look at that), has so much money and practically THROWS it at Ana (who is ungrateful, I’d take a free MacBook Pro, thank you very much!), buys her clothes that are MAGICALLY exactly her size, sends his assistant (Taylor) out to buy panties for Ana, HAS to dominate the sex and make it a lot kinkier than it has to be in order to get his rocks off, refuses to tell Ana hardly anything, refuses to let her touch him (and wont tell her why), and the list goes on.

Christian Grey is someone who needs to be on large doses of medication and needs to spend some more time in therapy.

On Ana:

Ana ... is a piece of work. She contradicts herself all. the. time. So many mixed messages and comments inappropriate for the setting/time. Like, she wants no part of the whole kinky sex business. WAIT. Here comes her inner goddess screaming YES! DO IT!, and then after indulging the goddess, she realizes what she/he did (note, she WANTED it) and then she cries and whines. She was upset when he spanked her, and then agrees to have sex in the “red room of pain”? The average Joe could see how much sense that makes!

Where's the plot? What is Ana trying to accomplish?

On the book as a whole:

The whole book had a shadow of a plot, wrapped in sex scene, and then another sex scene, and look, more kinky sex. It was fun at first, but after reading half the book, I was sick of the sex. I wanted the real plot to start!

Also, it was way too similar to Twilight. I know it was a Twilight fanfiction originally, and that they just changed the names, but it was annoyingly similar. Jose was Jacob, Christian was Edward, Ana was Bella, etc. On a side note, Twilight also had no good plot.

So there you have it. We aren't embarrassed to read it because of the sex. We're embarrassed that we like it at all. And our kids ... well, they think WE'RE 50 shades of screwed up for going on and on about it.

More From The Stir: '50 Shades of Grey' for Kids Isn't as Bad as You Think

But just think. They won't be allowed into the theaters when the movie comes out. We won't have to listen to them mocking us! Age still trumps beauty y'all.

What age do you think is old enough to read Fifty Shades of Grey?


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