This 'Dirty Dancing' Remake Is Going to Ruin My Life, Isn't It?

Kelly Bryant

Dirty Dancing remake
rogersandcowan/Twitter

I'm not a cinephile by any means, but I hold a very specific group of films dear to my heart. So much so that I can't imagine anyone remaking them. In fact, the very idea makes me irrationally angry. Case in point: Dirty Dancing. The 1987 classic is getting a made-for-TV reboot courtesy of ABC, premiering this May, and I. Can. Not.

The network, which just released its first promo photo for the remake, actually put together a fantastic cast for the remake -- Abigail Breslin, Sarah Hyland, Katey Sagal, Debra Messing, Billy Dee Williams -- and I love all of those people! However, they should not be tackling the roles of a movie that totally shaped my childhood.

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Watching Dirty Dancing in my house was a privilege, a sign I was coming of age. I will never forget it. My mom had to watch and vet it first to make sure that I could handle the "adult subject matter." Then she watched it with me, so she could explain stuff.

Frankly, my parents had done such a lovely job of keeping me in my Long Island bubble that at 9 years old, I probably never would have questioned what kind of procedure Penny needed or what "knocked up" meant. But my mom wanted to use Dirty Dancing as an educational lesson so my vocabulary expanded to understand an abortion and the various slang used to describe pregnancy.

Dirty Dancing promo poster
The first promo shot released from ABC's 'Dirty Dancing' reboot.
rogersandcowan/Twitter

But to be perfectly honest, all I really cared about was the dancing, the music, and the fact that a shy, smart chick like Baby Houseman could find love with the hunky, rough-around-the-edges Johnny Castle. I was shy. I was smart. Maybe I would find my Johnny someday. All while vacationing with my parents and carrying a watermelon.

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The problem is, some movies are just so perfect, they don't need to be redone. Did we learn nothing from 2004's Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights? Not even Diego Luna, Sela Ward, John Slattery, or January Jones could make that watchable. And, again, I love those people!

I would almost be more okay with this concept if ABC had turned it into a live musical event, which has become all the rage in recent years. Sure, I'd still have my issues, but I could kinda cope. I'm sure this Colt Prattes guy (ABC's version of Johnny) is a lovely fella, but I can't cosign his right to say, "Nobody puts baby in a corner."

Still, if you're curious, Dirty Dancing has a May 24 premiere date on ABC. I'm not gonna lie, there's a chance you'll find me with a bottle of wine in front of my flat-screen to check out the damage. And, hey, maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised. But I'm putting it out there right now: If anyone tries to get their grubby hands on Clueless, you're gonna have to get through me first.

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movies, tv