'Fifty Shades of Grey' Characters Get New Names -- ZOMG!

fifty shades of greyThe Time magazine game with the longest name Find Out What Your Name Would be If You Were Born Today spits out names and has us all laughing and scratching our heads. It's the best time suck of the day. Instead of Michele, I'd be Audrey today. Or Viola if I was born in the 1920s. Being so rabid about Fifty Shades of Grey, I just had to find out what Christian, Ana, and the others would be named if the the time period was different. Oh yes. It's so crazy.


Prepare yourself because what ended up happening is the stuff of fantastical voyages and rainbows with unicorns at the end. If Christian Grey was born today (instead of being 27), his name would be ...

This is absolutely crazy. Jax Teller (Jackson) is the name of the Sons of Anarchy character played to perfection by the sexy Charlie Hunnam who was cast as Christian Grey before Jamie Dornan but dropped out. Wow! Coincidence? So bananas!

It needs to be noted that we are ever thankful Christian wasn't born in the 90s, 80s, 70s, 60s, 50s, or 40s because his name would be then be the so-not-sexy Larry, Roy, Eugene, Francis, Donnie, and Ted respectively. Whole different movie there.

Up next ... Anastasia. If she was born today, the girl we know with the fancy name would be Jane. Jane? Jane! If born in the 1900s, she would be named Icie, which is quite fitting for a 21-year-old virgin. (No dis to any 21-year-old or older virgins -- I bow to your strength.) If she was born in 1910, she would be named Marvel. You see the trend.

More From The Stir: Quiz: What Side of Christian Grey Turns You On?

Leila, Christian's crazy submissive ex, would be Ariya. Ever so perfect. Kate, Ana's slutty roommate would be ... ahem ... Heidi. Elliot, Kate's conquest, ladies' man, and Christian's older brother would be Rory. Sister Mia would be Ashlynn. Elena, aka Mrs. Robinson, would be Camryn, perhaps signaling that Cameron Diaz should take the role. E.L. James, whose name is Erika, would be Jessie. Jessie James!

I'm not sure what this all means, but it means stuff and it has been a thrill to uncover. JAX!!!!

What do you think of this name game?


Image via Fifty Shades/Instagram

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