50 Things '50 Shades of Grey' Taught Me About Life

fifty shades of greyAfter hearing all the hype, breathlessly waiting for the movie to come out (okay, not that extreme), I finally went to see Fifty Shades of Grey last night. By myself. And I learned so much! I'm no prude -- I have an extensive background in the things that make Fifty Shades what it is, but this film experience taught me things. I paid attention to the details, listened to the whispering around me, I gleaned some deep, hard evidence just for you. Here are the 50 things I learned watching Fifty Shades of Grey.

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1. When you buy a ticket to a movie of this caliber, and you are alone, and the ticket seller is an older man, you get a raised eyebrow and a "just one?" response.

2. I sort of felt like a perverted old lady going to see Fifty Shades by myself after parking my car with the two car seats in back and leaving my kids home with the babysitter.

3. The other people in the movie theater were lively! Before the film started there was a lot of chatter and discussion. I was worried there were going to be talkers for the whole movie.

4. There were only gasps and oooohhhhs during the film, mostly. Viewers paid attention.

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5. Men aren't afraid to go with their wives. There was a sweet couple there who were over 60 who held hands the whole time.

6. As the movie theater filled up, so did the mix of perfumes.

7. One of the women said she should have brought her vibrator instead of candy.

8. When a film opens with Annie Lennox singing "I Put a Spell on You" it has to be good. I mean ... Annie Lennox!

9. Ties are only good for one thing.

10. Anastasia Steele drives a light blue VW Beetle. Of course she does.

11. Girls with bangs always look good with cardigans.

12. There is a giant Rorschach at Grey Enterprises that looks like a panda to me. I'm afraid to know what that means.

13. Never put a pencil taken from someone else's desk in your mouth. My goodness, Ana!

14. Ana's lip biting was cute at first but ended up getting really annoying. Nice lips, though.

15. Ana likes horseshoes -- she wears a horseshoe necklace and even had a shirt with horseshoes on it. The necklace horseshoe was facing up, meaning she was open to receiving good fuck ... I mean luck -- good luck.

16. Watching Fifty Shades of Grey will give you naughty thoughts.

17. All college bars are basically the same. There is always someone who pukes outside.

18. Ana wears a Black Keys t-shirt. I love the Black Keys.

19. It is a romantic gesture when Christian leaves Ana a "drink me" and "eat me" note next to the bed (for orange juice and ibuprofen) when she wakes up after drinking too much the night before.

20. Those who watch Fifty Shades of Grey think other things when seeing the phrases "eat me" and "drink me."

21. Taylor, Christian's bodyguard, has good taste in clothes for women.

22. Being rich is awesome. There. I said it. I mean, it's not going to solve some of the world's problems but ... wait a minute, money does solve some problems so ....

23. Saying "Laters, baby" is really dumb.

24. Seatbelts can be sexy. Having someone put a seatbelt on for you is hot.

25. Christian's apartment is so not kid-friendly.

26. Never underestimate a girl in a flutter sleeve top.

27. Ana has incredible restraint. A virgin? All those years!

28. Hairy legs made what might be their first debut in an almost porno with a big budget.

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29. The same goes for bush. Not George.

30. Fifty Shades of Grey is full of really hot sex scenes. They aren't perfect or play-by-play but the movie was already 2 hours and 5 minutes long -- what could we expect?

31. Ana had the best first time ever. I wish we all knew to wait to have sex until senior year of college and not have that awkward two-second long excuse for sex when younger.

32. Ana's after-sex glow is hilarious. I pictured the makeup artists spritzing her with a fine mist and blotting her cheeks with a rosy tint.

33. Ana is ravenous. In more ways than one.

34. I really wish I had a tub like Christian Grey.

35. I want bangs. As in Ana's hair. Have to make sure our dirty minds distinguish that. Not that I would mind ....

36. Ana went from virgin to being flogged really fast.

37. That was the sexiest putting on a condom scene ever.

38. I'm really glad Ana said no to anal fisting and genital clamps. That seems like a year two thing to me.

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39. True love is adding dinner once a week to a contract.

40. I think Christian has flogged some of his staff.

41. Drinking champagne in pretty little tea cups is cool.

42. There was a penis sighting! Just the base, though. All about the base.

43. Never sell a vintage VW bug. Ever. Couldn't Christian just store Ana's old car in his garage?

44. Flip phones are very dramatic when flipped open or shut. Though why hasn't Christian bought Ana a new phone yet?

45. "Most of your fear is in your head." This shows Christian's smarts.

46. NEVER say "Don't worry about it" to a woman. This shows Christian's not-so smarts.

47. If you say "Don't worry about it" to a woman the only way to get her to smile again is to risk her life in a glider plane. She will love it. (Holy crap, planes really do that?!)

48. No phones are allowed in the playroom. Good rule of thumb.

49. Some floggers look like the things that clean your car in the car wash.

50. It is a love story.

Yes, I'll admit -- I liked the movie. It was exciting and twisted and at it's core, a love story. I overlooked the fact that Christian was a little cardboard ... because he is. Some people really are like that in real life. This movie brought the characters in the books to life, and this is that story. Sure there are plenty of other dom/sub situations that are different, but this story is theirs -- Ana and Christian's. Heart bubbles!

I wasn't alone in liking the movie. Most of the crowd at the theater did, too. Except for one woman who called all her friends "freaks" over and over again for liking it. I guess I'm a freak. I cannot wait for the sequel.

What did you learn from watching Fifty Shades?

 

Image via Fifty Shades of Grey/Instagram

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