'50 Shades' Haters Have a Chaste Alternative Romance in 'Old Fashioned' (VIDEO)

50 Shades of Grey haters

If you are sick and tired of the hype surrounding the film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey, you have a kindred soul in Rik Swartzwelder, who is the writer, director, and lead actor in a new indie drama called Old Fashioned. Swartzwelder warns us: “What happens when ‘harmless fantasy’ plays out in the real world—in young lives unsure of what lasting love looks like, much less how to get it?” and thankfully, he’s got the antidote to society’s depraved handcuff-related daydreams ... in the form of his wholesome romance movie, deliberately positioned as the polar opposite of Fifty Shades.


Swartzwelder says that as the Fifty Shades juggernaut continues to build up steam, audiences “deserve a choice,” which is why he created his movie. I’d argue that audiences have PLENTY of choices and always have, but let’s go ahead and see what he’s offering, shall we?

Old Fashioned tells the tale of Clay Walsh, a former frat boy who gives up his carousing and now runs an antique shop in a small Midwestern college town. There, according to the synopsis for the film, “he has become notorious for his lofty and outdated theories on love and romance as well as for his devout belief in God.”

Naturally, Clay can’t be left alone to wave his cane at today’s wanton youth, what with their sexting and Tinder and whatnot. He needs a love interest, which is where Amber, totally not a porn name, comes into play:

When Amber Hewson, a free-spirited young woman with a restless soul, drifts into the area and rents the apartment above his shop, she finds herself surprisingly drawn to his noble ideas, which are new and intriguing to her. And Clay, though he tries to fight and deny it, simply cannot resist being attracted to her spontaneous and passionate embrace of life. Ultimately, Clay must step out from behind his relational theories, and Amber must overcome her own fears and deep wounds, as the two of them, together, attempt the impossible: an “old-fashioned” and God-honoring courtship in contemporary America.

Oh ho HO, Mr. Swartzwelder.

If the description of the movie doesn’t quite do it for you, perhaps you’ll enjoy the trailer, which attempts to be even more blatant with its message that we should all be getting hot and sweaty chastely piqued by Clay’s idealist point of view, perhaps even to the point of offering him a fully clothed air-kiss or two:

I will refrain myself from laughing uproariously at the promotional image included for the film, in which Clay appears to be considering where, exactly, to place this phallic device.

Fundamentally, I totally agree that there’s room for everyone to indulge their personal tastes, whether that’s in the Red Room of Pain or doing it in the butt on the floor of an antique shop (what? Oh come on, I’m certain that’s what attempt the impossible is code for: THRIFT STORE ANAL), and I have to applaud this filmmaker for hopping on Mr. Grey’s trailing leather blindfolds in order to hawk his movie. As one of the reviewers for Old Fashioned put it, “Fifty Shades of Grey will not—cannot—satisfy the human heart.” I don’t think that’s the specific organ most people are looking to satisfy with Fifty Shades, but ... fair point well made.

What movie will YOU be seeing, romance fans? The one with bodily-fluid-stained spanking couch, or the one with the unsullied vintage furniture?

Image via YouTube

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