Taylor Lautner's Animal Magnetism Is Really Dangerous

taylor lautner
No Taylor! Don't unbutton that shirt, please!
Sometime last year in a luxury hotel in Brazil, a handsome young man with jet black hair unbuttoned his shirt -- and in the same way that spooky night clouds part to reveal a haunted full moon, his bare chest unleashed its own kind of mysterious powers. Far below on the street came a chorus of howls. A pack of 2,000 raving girl-wolves stormed the hotel lobby with one thing in mind: FIND TAYLOR LAUTNER! Fortunately, the Brazilian National Guard was called in and Taylor lived to see another day ... but his troubles live on.

Taylor Lautner may play a werewolf in the Twilight series, but in real life, it's as if he is carrying a terrible curse: his powerful animal magnetism seems to be mysteriously turning his fans into werewolves. It doesn't matter if it's night or day. Every time he takes off his shirt, fans are reduced to snarling, salivating beasts so wild it's spinning Taylor's life out of control. 

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At first, there were only problems when Taylor actually removed his shirt, but now even the mere possibility of shirt removal has fans frothing at the mouth. Taylor can't even bear to read the gossip blogs, probably for fear of reading about this extreme effect his "curse" is having on his fans. He is making sweet tweens (and their mothers) into total monsters.

So far, Taylor's curse appears to only work on women. It was falsely reported this summer that when he met with director Gus Van Sant and screenwriter Dustin Lance Black for dinner in LA, the two filmmakers tried to seduce Lautner. I mean, why wouldn't you, right? But it turns out the rumors are false. The men actually did control themselves despite their tantalizing proximity to Taylor's chest.

What will happen when we all start packing into theaters next weekend to see Breaking Dawn? I shudder to think! And yet, even the threat of Lautner's werewolf curse is not enough to keep me away. We'll all just salivate and howl together. Get ready, movie theater owners! It's going to be a wild weekend.

Have you been afflicted by the Taylor Lautner chest curse yet?

 

Image via Splash News

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