'Dirty Dancing' Remake Is All Kinds of Wrong

"Nobody puts Baby in a remake!" Unless there's some money to be made from it, of course. In keeping with the movie industry's newfound rule of nothing—and I mean nothing—being too sacred of an entertainment icon to dry-hump a few more dollars from, Lionsgate has announced plans to remake Dirty Dancing.

Yes. Dirty Dancing. The classic '80s film starring now-deceased
Patrick Swayze (mayherestinpeace) and Jennifer "Have I Discussed the Unwise Decision of This Nose Job?" Grey.

The movie many of us saw in the theater as pre-teens, our brains roiling with hormones and burgeoning pimples, and left convinced we had to learn every last one of Baby's dance moves because OMFG WHY DO MY PANTS FEEL SO FUNNY WHENEVER JOHNNY IS ONSCREEN?

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Apparently the new movie will be directed by Kenny Ortega, the choreographer from the original film who has gone on to create such heavily-merchandised hits as High School Musical. Boy, I can't wait for the Dance! Dance! Dirty Dancing Wii Edition, the Mattel Dirty Dancing Playset, and Dirty Dancing 2: Even Dirtier!

Okay, seriously, at least they have the original choreographer, but in what way is this not a TERRIBLE TERRIBLE IDEA? You're taking a movie that had virtually no budget, no big stars at that time, and a script written by someone who based it on her own childhood memories—all of which combined in a totally unforeseen and awesome way to create one of the most well-loved and profitable films of its time. I mean, how can it possibly be redone in a way that feels true to the original? Does no one remember the travesty of Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights?

Who will play Baby? Who will play Johnny, for crying out loud, and how will their every moment in the film not be a tragic reminder 1) that they are so NOT Patrick Swayze, and 2) of how much everyone misses Patrick Swayze?

In conclusion, I would like to offer the following inarticulate bellow over the money-grubbing movie industry who has become too chickenshit and lazy to take a gamble on an original film concept: GRRRRRRARRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH.

What do you think -- are you with me in my HULK SMASH RAGE? Or do you think a Dirty Dancing remake might actually have a chance?



Image via IMDb

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