As much as I think a night of uninterrupted sleep and a foot massage from Ryan Gosling are the sexiest Valentine's Day presents I can think of, I'm pretty sure neither of those things are in my immediate future. Darn it.

But there are plenty of other sexy Valentine's Day gifts I'd love to get this year that are a bit more ... attainable.

If you're like me and are hoping to make this Valentine's Day an extra hot one, you won't want to miss these 7 sexy Valentine's Day gifts moms will love. 

Woody Allen said it best, "Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love." It's the truth. Being able to pleasure yourself is one of the most important types of sex you'll have. Through masturbation, you can learn what turns you on and what doesn't. And through trial and error, you'll learn how to be a better lover. I have a whole drawer of sex toys that I've practiced on.

Here are some tips for learning to practice self-love.

If you're a busy mom like me, then a date night where you're not cutting up someone else's food and begging a small person to eat his vegetables actually sounds pretty sexy.

But c'mon! You've got a few hours with no kids, so why not spend it doing something naughty? Whether you're looking to make 2013 the best sex year ever or just need to add some spice back into your sex life, here are a five ways to can turn your regular old date night into something right out of 50 Shades of Grey.

Oh now, you didn't think I was a big old prude just because I have a list of sexy things I ditched since having kids? I did write a sex book for parents, mind you, so I haven't joined a convent or anything.

So if you thought your sex life was suddenly over after having children, THINK AGAIN! Here are seven sexy things I do more of now that I'm a mom. Rowr.

I am all for improvements in condom technology. A condom that's easier to put on, provides more pleasure, and avoids the potential allergens in latex? Hey, great idea! And who doesn't like the idea of a condom that's more flexible and reduces breakage? In fact, everything about the prototype "Origami Condom" sounds absolutely fantastic ... until you see it in action.

That's when things get a little, um, disturbing. Because this silicone, fluid-lined condom that's "supposed to mimic the vaginal environment" is SERIOUSLY weird looking, and you can't help but wonder if the designers gave any consideration to whether or not women would appreciate this fancy new approach to safe sex.

Ladies, you'll want to see this enthralling Origami Condom demonstration, and decide for yourself if you'd be willing to experience it in person.

I love the idea of New Year's resolutions, so much so that I make them dutifully every year. Get in shape! Get organized!

Get LAID? 

Yep, that's right. I even make sexual resolutions.

So, if you're like me and want to put a little fun back into your relationship, here are 10 sexy New Year's resolutions that should definitely be on your list.

As much as I love getting gifts from my husband, I really don't need another sweater coat, which seems to be his go-to present for me.

So this year, especially since we're in marriage counseling, I thought it  might be fun for us to get a couple's gift, and one that we'll get lots of use out of ... in the bedroom.

If you're like me and would much prefer awesome sex over an awesome sweater, then take note of these 5 sexy gifts for couples. Even better, you can give some of them in front of the kids and grandparents and they'll never know.

As much as the holiday season can be all about hanging stockings by the fireside or spinning the dreidel with loved ones, it can -- and should -- also be about showing your S.O. just how much you care about him or her. How much you value them, appreciate them, aaaaand want to get them under the mistletoe so you can rip their clothes off!

What better way to do that than by getting your sweetie a gift that makes sparks fly? Here, 12 off-the-charts hot, sensual, and super-sexy holiday gift ideas ...