So, this is super cute. A really old couple who met at a retirement home are getting married. Eighty-five-year-old Larry Bushnell and 97-year-old cougar Columba Rosaly are all set to tie the knot this weekend. But wait, that's not the super cute part. The super cute part is the pair don't speak the same language. At all. Yeah, Larry is only fluent in English, while Columba only speaks Spanish. So I guess I should say: Muy cute.

Some may think it's weird to marry or, hell, even date someone you can't have any communication with whatsoever. (Except for the word "no.") But I think it's awesome. In fact, so awesome that it just might be the key to the totally blissful marriage that everybody's been frantically searching for.

Hey you attached ladies. Right now, as you wrap up for the day at work and/or put the kids down for a nap and/or return from picking them up from school, your DH/SO/BF is likely out there at the mall/candy store/drugstore/florist picking up approximately $168.74 worth of clothing, jewelry, and other gifts for you for Valentine's Day. That's what the National Retail Federation has found at least. Overall, everyone's expected to shell out $17.6 billion for the Hallmark holiday. Seeing a number like that's probably enough to make you want to stop in your tracks, pick up your cell, and text your man, "NNNNNNOOOOOOO!!! STOOOOP!" ... right? Or maybe not. Maybe you spend the same or more on him?

Doubtful. The NRF also found that $168.74 is nearly double the amount women will spend on their guys. Excuse moi? Is it just me or is that stat totally disheartening? Yeah, I'm all about ladies being treated like royalty by their men, but since when did this holiday become another "her day"? 

A show of hands: who has a couple hundred, maybe even a couple thousand dollars to burn, sometimes literally? As if there just aren’t enough ways to blow money on the grand ol’ affair that is the American wedding, trash the dress photo shoots are becoming more popular, which in turn makes me more intrigued.

The average walk down the aisle, with all the bells and whistles, already costs about $26,501. (Ouch.) Some brides wear their actual dress, which means anywhere from $200 on up to $2,000 is down the tubes. (And, judging from what I see on Say Yes to the Dress, even more than that.) Others buy another gown specifically to be trashed, which is an added expense — especially if you don’t scoop that bad boy up from the local thrift store.

It may not make the most sense to destroy a dress in the name of individualistic photography for your nuptials, but some of them sure do come out looking hot. Like this:

It may be hard to believe, but men say no to sex sometimes, too. Oh yes, sometimes even the most promiscuous loverboy pulls the old "I have a headache" excuse and it's really code for something darker or potentially hurtful or even shocking. Even more shocking than some of the responses I got on "35 Brutally Honest Reasons Women Say No to Sex."

Because I featured the women's real excuses, I felt it fair to let our masculine counterparts spill their secrets. I polled many men, some were afraid to share, others ... well, they showed no mercy.

Brutally honest can be brutal, so ladies, just know this may be a hard one to (ahem) swallow. These are the real reasons men say no to sex.

If you've been to a drugstore, chances are you are rudely reminded that Valentine's Day is almost here. Your eyes are assaulted by the color red, which just makes the brokenhearted, the lonely, and the unsatisfied want to attack the displays of frilly hearts and cardboard flowers. Like a bull. In heat. That or they head to the prescription counter begging for some sedatives. Cupid is an evil little cherub especially for those who won't be getting a love poem to their liking this year. Oh St. Valentine ... you are mean.

Instead of embracing what a typical sappy and silly card would say, let's delve into what a little note would look like for those unsatisfied lovers out there. The people who Cupid nearly killed. They deserve it. So here are some funny Valentine's Day quotes for those people. Maybe there's even one for you.

Sarah Jessica Parker seems to have it all -- the work, the kids, the husband, the millions and millions of dollars -- everything. But after reading an interview she gave to the U.K. magazine Stella, it seems that the I Don't Know How She Does It star struggles with the same kind of relationship hurdles that we normal folk do.

It's funny slash not funny at all that sometimes I think everything in my life would be just perfect if I lived in a $20 million brownstone in New York's West Village, that somehow money and walk-in closets with silk-lined drawers would just solve all my petty relationship problems.

But lest my imagination run away with me, SJP knocks me back down to reality. She says:

Turns out, great minds do think alike. According to a new survey by couples mediator Laurie Puhn, women don't really want anything for Valentine's Day. Anything tangible, that is. She asked about 200 women between the ages of 30 and 49 and found that a whopping 72 percent want a day off from housework/childcare. That's all. No flowers, no chocolate, no teddy bears holding flowers and chocolate -- none of that. The only thing most women want is some gosh darn help.

It's rare that you read a celebrity interview in which solid love advice is shared. It's usually so watered down and full of cheesy placations that all you really walk away with is that you should "do what's best for you." Which is entirely true, just not all that interesting or insightful. Gwyneth Paltrow, however, broke the mold recently when she talked to Harper's Bazaar. In her interview, she spoke about what it's like to be married for eight years and exposed some rather private tidbits.

But her candidness didn't come across as needy or whiny. It was real, heartfelt, and yeah, I'll say it: helpful. Here's what she told the magazine about life with husband Chris Martin: