My eyes, my eyes! You guys. For scientific purposes only, I watched Farrah Abraham's sex video just now, and as soon as I file this post, I'm washing out my eyeballs and maybe having a nice, stiff drink. Did I say stiff?!? NOOOO!

It's going to be a long time before I recover from this spectacle. But I watched it for you, dear readers. We know you're wondering what actually goes down (oh geez) in this show -- but you reeeeeeally don't want to have to actually sit down and watch in order to find out. Never fear! We've got Farrah Superstar Backdoor Teen Mom by the numbers right here. Now about that drink ...

Sex is the great equalizer. It’s the one thing in this world that we all need and want and it doesn’t matter how much money you have, what you look like or what your profession is (unless of course you are a hooker in which case, yeah it matters because you are a professional while the rest of us are amateurs). It’s available to all of us and it’s free. Capability and pleasure go hand in hand. It’s the one thing in the world that you really want to practice. The better you understand what gets you going, the less inhibited you are to vocalize what it is that you want and that is the key to great sex. That, my friends, is how you have a great orgasm and if you are really lucky, a “wegasm”. What the hell is a that, you ask?

"Sex Confessions" is a series featuring your naughtiest bedroom secrets and fantasies. Some will sound familiar, others may give you ideas, some will turn you on, and some are dark and twisted. You might want to sit down for this.

Carla* loves her husband -- this she wants to stress. The 30-something mom of two also wants to point out that she and her husband Tom* do watch a lot of porn together, probably more than the average person. But lately all Tom wants to watch is gay porn -- men on men. At first Carla was really into it -- they watch plenty of women on women movies, too -- but it seems to have turned into an obsession and the only kind of X-rated flicks he wants to see. It's becoming a turn-off for her and she's a little concerned. Read on to hear more of what she has to say.

Just when I thought that maybe we're all over the "50 Shades of Grey" craze, here comes Valentine's Day and of course everyone is talking about it again.

Plus, I won't lie. I'm dying to see who they cast in the "50 Shades of Grey" movie.

So since it looks like Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey are here to stay, at least for a while, here are some ways you can use their amazing sex life to inspire your own this Valentine's Day.

Talking dirty can be a tantalizing way to spice up your sex life ... if you can get past the idea of the naughty things you're saying. But you don't have to be a sex kitten to learn how to talk dirty to your guy. Hey, you might even discover that you like how talking dirty makes you feel.

Still, plenty of us feel too shy or embarrassed when we're actually in the moment. How to get over that awkward feeling?

Here are some tips and tricks for mastering the art of dirty talk.

Now that Fifty Shades of Grey has essentially mainstreamed erotica (seriously, I recently saw Anne Rice's early BDSM Sleeping Beauty books repackaged and sold at Fred Meyer with the tagline, "If you loved Fifty Shades, you'll love this!" Which might be true, or it might be kind of a big old surprise for readers who had no idea those stories involve, among other things, pony play), can we talk about the recurring sexual characteristics in these sweat-soaked tales?

See, I was reading Sylvia Day's Crossfire series recently -- I can say this now, right? Since we're all freely admitting we read smut books? It's not like confessing you stuffed a leather whip in your butthole to look like a sexy Appaloosa pony? Okay then! -- and I was thinking about how these types of stories involve the same themes over and over: the rich, dominating, emotionally-resistant-yet-helplessly-falling-in-love man. The clumsy, doesn't-know-her-own-beauty woman.

I love the idea of New Year's resolutions, so much so that I make them dutifully every year. Get in shape! Get organized!

Get LAID? 

Yep, that's right. I even make sexual resolutions.

So, if you're like me and want to put a little fun back into your relationship, here are 10 sexy New Year's resolutions that should definitely be on your list.

Ah, this is what I love about New York. You can get anything you want. Sushi at 3 a.m. A subway ride at any time of the day or night. A sex guru to come over to your place, watch you have sex, and give you pointers. Spittake! Yeah, ladies, there's a real life "sex guru" who makes his living instructing couples how to spice up their sex lives -- and he does it live and in the sack. Well, he's not in the sack with you (he refuses to go that far), but he's like rightthere. Watching. Observing. Being all, "Hey, move your finger a little to the left, wouldya? There ya go." If he can't get to you, he'll do it over Skype.

He's a real life Christian Grey because he claims he's a sex expert. He knows evvvvverything about what to do in the sack. And how'd he learn? Through a much older sex instructor, but of course.