I don't really understand why Fifty Shades of Grey is known as "mommy porn." I mean, we don't call adult content that men enjoy "daddy porn," right? (Ew.) So why is this particular book labeled as being for mommies, when it's erotica, plain and simple?

Setting aside the worrying question of whether the term "mommy porn" is meant to degrade women's sexuality by diminishing our valid, normal, and non-mommyish erotic needs, I've decided that given the runaway bestseller response to this book, what the world needs now is some REAL mommy porn.

After all, if it's sold this well without technically even OFFERING any content that's specifically aimed at mothers, I think a Fifty Shades for Moms will be a guaranteed hit!

Please enjoy some of the steamiest scenes from my first 3 chapters:

Most of us ladies spend a lot of time managing our lady bits. Between waxing, trimming, and shaving (so as not to appear unruly), we spend thousands of dollars and hours making sure we're in tip-top shape down there.

A couple of years ago, vajazzling -- adding glittery jewels to the bikini area -- was all the rage. A couple years before that, the Brazilian Wax was it.

The newest thing we can do to our vaginas might be a little more awesome: G-Spot amplification, otherwise known as the "G-Shot."

Put down the wine. Forget the flowers. Cancel the dinner reservations. If you guys out there really want to get some from your wives (like more than once a month), then just follow this very simple advice: Buy them a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. In fact, splurge for the entire trilogy.

Don't ask. Don't even read it. Just buy it and give it to your wife. It doesn't matter if you're newlyweds (congrats, by the way!) or if you've been married 10, 20, or 30 years. For some crazy reason, this best-selling novel by E.L. James is turning women on more than we ever will.

News flash: people have liked porn since the beginning of time. And by "beginning of time" I mean at least 40,000 years ago, and by "porn" I mean a circle drawn with a line sticking out of it. Scientists in France contend that they've found the world's oldest cave drawing to date, and that it's of female genitalia.

It may not look that hot to you or me, and it sorta looks like a pizza, but rest assured, it's a pretty steamy image. Nothing like a vague orb with a nearly indiscernible dash going through it to really get the blood pumping.

OMG. If you didn't see Saturday Night Live last night (Eli Manning hosted), you missed one of the best skits ever in the history of the show. It is the funniest thing I have seen since, well, Bridesmaids. And it's no wonder because Oscar-nominated Bridesmaids actress Kristen Wiig is one of the skit's stars and if you ask me, she's one of the funniest comedians out there -- and soooo much nicer than Chelsea Handler.

The faux ad is about what to give Mom for Mother's Day and shows dads and kids surprising mom with breakfast in bed, flowers, and gifts, but the problem is these moms don't want to bothered. They are, er, "enjoying" themselves while reading Fifty Shades of Grey.

Think vibrators, washing machines, and yellow rubber gloves.

Send your own kiddies out of the room and watch:

We all want to feel sexy. That's not even in question. It's especially full of the awesome to feel sexy for someone you're digging on.

So what actually turns guys on -- and what turns them off? What are some ways you can be extra sexy for your guy? What do men truly find attractive?

Here are some tips to help you figure out what gets those mysterious men going.

Sex, especially when you have it with the same person every time, well, it can get a little ... old. Sometimes, you gotta dig deep and figure out how to spice up your sex life. I have a suggestion for you: add a little kink to your vanilla sex!

Here are some easy ways to "get kinky with it" (it takes two).

Haven't read at least one book in the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy by now? Here's betting you have at least one gal pal who's talking about "trying out" some of the kinky bits from the books. But where are all the ladies drawing up their Christian Grey-style sex contracts? 

Ladies, you are missing out. Yes, even if you're a gal who prefers the kind of bedroom action Christian Grey calls "vanilla sex," you could do with a sex contract. Actually, you're the perfect type.

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