Fighting In Front Of The Kids May Actually Be Good For Them
Photo by Marchal
I come from a feisty, Italian-American family, so when I was a kid and my parents fought, I stayed in my room and laid low. Usually doors slammed, tears were shed, and hugs and kisses came hours later. It was once believed that children who were exposed to fighting parents were more anxious and behaved badly (no comment). But a new study by the Journal of Child Psychiatry and Psychology suggests that arguing constructively in front of your kids can actually be a good thing.
Conflict in any relationship is inevitable, according to Patrick Davies, professor of psychology at the University of Rochester and co-author of the study, but the key word is constructive.
Linda Carroll interviewed Davies and other experts for an article on MSNBC (How Dare You?! When Mom and Dad Disagree) about the difference between constructive and destructive arguments. Destructive arguments involve verbal abuse, physical aggression, and the silent treatment. Constructive arguments, on the other hand, involve respecting each other's opinions and coming to a compromise. This may sound like common sense, but the next time your significant other pushes your last button, you might want a refresher. The kids of parents who fought constructively showed "pro-social" behaviors and exhibited more empathy for others.
How do you handle arguments in front of your kids?
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DeTora_Family
What a relief! We're a feisty Irish-Italian family. We disagree and "discuss" our differences of opinion now and then. I've never thought it was good to be "perfect" around your kids and make them think the whole world is going to be that way. I agree that children will learn coping skills and problem solving skills from seeing their parents work out their differences. People are just not always happy and we are never going to agree or get along 100% of the time.
aapye
I agree with this, my DH and I have horrible tempers so we fight and we are really good at making up * wink* wink* and after each fight I feel we are stronger. I think that if kids never see you fight they think you are not supposed to fight so the first time they fight with their spouse they think its time to end it and that simply is not the case
mmmommy0207
I'm so relieved I'm not the only one who thinks this way. No marriage is perfect, and couples fight. I've always thought, as long as we don't curse, take digs at eachother, and we make sense for the most part, and the content is suitable, why not let them hear us work it out. And I always make it a point to let them see it's worked out and we still love eachother. My DD catches us kissing in the kitchen, or we cuddle on the couch. I remember from my childhood that one of the scariest parts of my parents fighting was wondering if they were gonna break up.
baparrot2
I'm glad there's finally someone who supports this view. We have always had our tifts in front of the kids. I don't feel guilty or embarrased at all. Then again, our skirmishes don't get out of control. I feel as though that we have taught the kids to learn how to have disagreements in a healthy way and how to resolve the problem at hand. Uncomfortable for all involved when this happens - yes. Problem solving skills and showing the kids that love exists even through hard times - yes. Damaging to the kids - I think not.
ajbrownies
We have disagreements in front of our young kids but as soon as it starts getting heated we stop. We both want to be calm when we discuss our problems and we also want to present a united front to our kids. So yes we discuss problems but we don't fight in front of the kids.
RanaAurora
Yeah, see... FIGHTING is not beneficial. Disagreeing and debating is.
JasonsMom2007
WillDoDa
We have our arguments in front of the kids. I remember how afraid I was when my kids fought when I was a kid.
They were never abusive or physical in any way, but sometimes my Mom would just leave for a few hours.
I guess I just think it's unrealistic for kids to never see their parents fight. it's important to see that everything is not always perfect and see how disagreements happen and how they are resolved.
tikigoddess
You have to teach kids that everybody has disagreements, and how you handle those disagreements - that you can come to a compromise or decision, apologize if you need to, and finally make up or move on - is very beneficial to a child to teach them how to have a healthy relationship with another person. It's not just with marriage too, but with any relationship - friends, teammates, anybody. They have to learn that people don't always think the same, people don't always get along, people have to learn to make compromises sometimes and sometimes you have to apologize. But the most important thing I think to show a child is that the world doesn't come to an end when you argue. You can have an arguement and then move on. You don't have to hold a grudge, and you don't have to have it end your relationship - friend or otherwise.
Learning2Hope
During premarital counseling, my husband shared with me that he often felt unsettled when he was younger when his parents would disagree, go in their bedroom to discuss, and then come out resolved. They felt resolved, but he never did.
After reflecting on what he had to say and reading an article about how one kid saw his parents sit down at the table while the kids were supposed to be in bed and lovingly and calmly discuss something they disagreed on - ending with hugs and kisses, I think having a discussing something you disagree on in love in front of children could be a beneficial thing.
However, I do wonder if there's a certain age when doing that would be more beneficial than not hashing through disagreements in front of the kids at all. And if the disagreement is about something regarding the child, the discussion should probably still not take place in front of the child regardless of his/her age so that the parents are a unified front without one parent ending up being the bad guy.