Divorce. Isn't it funny how that one simple word can signify so many different things depending on the circumstances surrounding how it went down? For some, it's a painful ending. For others, it's a new beginning and a chance to start fresh. And believe it or not, there are also those of us who view it as a huge celebration -- a party, if you will. But regardless of what type of major change divorce marks in your life, most of us wind up asking ourselves a key question at one point or another: "OMG. Am I ever going to have sex again?"
And the short answer is pretty predictable: YES! Yes, you will have sex again. Of course, that first question is usually followed by a second. Something along the lines of:
"What will it be like?" ... or ... "Will I even know how to do it again?"
Let's go ahead and assume that most divorced women haven't slept with anyone other than their now ex-partners since they took their marriage vows. And then there are some of us who not only haven't been with anybody else, but for various reasons, we weren't even having sex in our marriages -- so we're kinda like born-again virgins, or something.
More from CafeMom: My Divorce Was Not a 'Failure' -- Can We Please Stop Calling It That?
The idea of venturing into new and uncharted waters can be, well, a little intimidating, to say the least.
I can remember voicing my concerns about getting back in the saddle to a good friend, and she said something along the lines of, "Oh please, Mary -- it's like riding a bike. You'll be just fine!"
And you know what? She was right. Actually, she was more than right. She hit the nail right on the head -- and I've never enjoyed hopping on a bike more in my life. (Haven't fallen off the damn thing yet.)
Spoiler alert -- sex gets better after divorce. Like 1,000 times better.
More from CafeMom: 'Good' Divorces Do Exist -- I'm Living Proof
(Disclosure: Before I go any further, I am not discrediting married sex in any way, shape, or form, and I know that there are plenty of married people who enjoy satisfying, fulfilling sex lives. To those of you who fall into that category -- more power to you, and keep on ... getting it on.)
Post-divorce sex just might be the best sex you've ever had in your life. And here are just a few of the many reasons why:
It's spontaneous -- When it comes to being a divorced woman, scheduled, "let me pencil you into my calendar" sex goes right out the window, because you're guaranteed to have designated alone time for "adult activities." Sex can happen anytime and, when the situation allows, anywhere, and sometimes it even happens when you least expect it. It's raw. And deliberate. And hot. And intense. And ... I'd better stop before I need to take a cold shower.
You don't have to hold back -- Again, back to the whole designated alone time thing. No more "Shhh!! Shut up and do it fast so we don't wake the kids!" sex. There is no need to stay quiet or limit yourself. You can let go and let loose and scream "Ohhhhhh, yesssssss, ohhhhhhh, don't stop!" at the top of your lungs if that's your cup of tea. Nobody is going to interrupt you. And as an added bonus, sex can go on for as long as you want it to. Feel like really getting into it and doing the deed multiple times for hours on end? No one's stopping you. Or want to have a quickie before heading out the door for your dinner date because the mood suddenly strikes you? Go for it, honey.
You have sex because you want to have sex -- Yep, that's right. The sex you have after divorce is sex that you are having for the sole reason of wanting to experience pleasure and pleasuring someone else. Because you're simply in the mood and DTF -- not because you feel like it's been too long since you've had sex, so you should probably have sex. No more "Well, we're on vacation, so I guess I should have sex with him ..." sex. No more obligatory "It's his birthday/It's our anniversary/It's Valentine's Day" sex. No more "I have a headache tonight/I'm too tired/What other excuse can I come up with to get out of having sex/Ugh, I guess I'll just do it quick and get it over with" sex. Nope. You just want to have sex. And it's awesome.
It's new and makes you feel alive -- Remember that feeling you used to get in high school when your crush suddenly started to take an interest in you, and you were all, "OMG is he gonna kiss me?!?" -- and you felt all of these amazing butterflies in your stomach? Yeah -- multiply that by 100 or so, and that's how you'll feel when you have sex again. You'll remember what it's like to be wanted, touched, desired -- and it really does make you feel alive. And then you'll wonder why in the hell you let yourself go without feeling that for so long.
You are older and know your body better -- To put it bluntly, you know what works, and what doesn't. You know what buttons need to be pushed where, when, and how -- and you aren't afraid to express that to the person you're having all the hot sex with. This isn't like college where you were hooking up with a new dude and the two of you were fumbling around like a couple of idiots -- this is two experienced adults who are open and honest and aren't afraid to show each other how to get the job done. #Boom
You'll find a new side of yourself you never knew you had -- Let's cut to the chase -- at least in my case, going through a divorce and finally overcoming years and years of being totally miserable was an incredibly empowering experience, and the confidence I gained from it has carried over into every aspect of my life -- including sex. And believe me when I tell you that you might be surprised to find out that you're pretty wild, and maybe even a little bit dirty when it comes to what goes down between the sheets. Yes, I said dirty -- but dirty in the best possible way. You know what I mean. Dirty thoughts. Dirty talk. Dirty moves. You dirty little thing. (Who knew?)
More from CafeMom: Men vs. Women: Who Moves on More Quickly After a Divorce?
Honestly, I could go on and on even more about how liberating sex after divorce has been for me and will hopefully be for you, but I don't want to spoil all of the fun and surprises. But when the time does come for you to put on your helmet and get back on that bike again, I hope you won't hesitate, and please -- please do not second-guess yourself for one second. You've got this. The truth is, you've always had it. Get ready for the ride of your life.