Having Sex With Myself Was Bad for My Marriage

stop masturbatingAs someone who writes about sex and love for a living, I have heard a lot of advice on how to keep the passion alive over the years. One of the first things almost every sex expert will say is that you should continue to masturbate. It seems counter-intuitive, right?

If you are pleasing yourself, why would you need someone else? Au contraire, they say. In this case, it's more about the feelings masturbation conjures. If you have a little pleasure, so they say, you will want more.

I say: It's hooey.

Why? Because the fact is, when you satisfy yourself, you ARE satisfied. Full stop. This is a lesson I learned the hard way.

More from The Stir: 5 Surprising Facts About Females Jerking Off

Nothing Wrong With It

Now, don't get me wrong. Masturbation is a healthy activity for women. It teaches us how to find our own pleasure and ALL women should have a vibrator (or 10) in their nightstand. But, there's also something to be said for the old adage: "good things come to those who wait." And yes, that pun was intended. Times 1,000. Because they do.

I know this first hand (oh the puns, they are too easy!) as I gave up the use of my vibrator for a couple months and the results have been astounding. At first it happened by accident. We just became so insanely busy and I was never alone. The only times I even felt any sexual urges were when I was actually in the presence of my husband. So I started saving up my mojo.

And what a difference it made.

Quality Over Quantity

Even though at first we didn't increase in frequency, we DID increase in quality. Before I was probably dealing with "my own business" once a day or more. When I stopped, the QUALITY of our encounters went up about 100 fold.

Instead of being pretty much satisfied and going through the motions to get him off, I found myself wanting VERY much to get my own. That made him more excited and the cycle continued. Plus my grand finales were 300 times better when I'd skipped self service that day than they had been before when I hadn't.

My husband noticed, too. "How about you don't do anything for yourself tonight," he'd tell me before leaving for work. "Wait for me."

And so I did. Things got better and better. After 30 years of knowing what I like and how to get it quickly, it's quite a revelation that waiting has its benefits and that sex with someone else, even when the outcome is the same, really IS that much better. The finish is more intense, more passionate, BETTER.

I am never going to stop using my vibrating friends, but I will give the timing more thought. How long until I see my husband again? Is he just downstairs? Can I entice him up to the bedroom to help me take care of business? If so, maybe intimacy is what we need more than just a quick fix.

The fact is, we moms are all busy and our heads are a million places at once. It makes perfect sense that we would want the quickest way to get off and get it done. But quick is not always best and even when every sex expert says more masturbation equals more sexual thoughts and more sex in general, we also know our time is limited and finite and we are exhausted anyway. If we are spending our mojo on our own satisfaction, then we aren't spending it where it most matters.

If you have unlimited leisure time and plenty of sleep, maybe you can both masturbate AND enjoy a healthy love life a deux. But me? I'll be forgoing my table of one whenever I can. It might be a longer wait, but the food is so much better.

Do you masturbate more than you have sex with your spouse?



Image ©iStock.com/Justiniani



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Austi... Austinsmommy12

"Once a day or MORE" for masturbation? Seriously?? How? When? WHY? I have never in my life understood people who would rather pleasure themselves than be with a person. To each their own, but no. I do not masturbate more than I have sex.

BGarcel BGarcel

No I have sex more than I masturbate

the4m... the4mutts

I don't understand why someone in a HAPPY marriage/relationship would rub one out when their partner is home. That's just dumbfounding to me. My husband and I both masturbate. Everyone does. But not when we're both home! Only when the urge hits, and one of us will be away for a decent amount of time.

The way you described your habits, ir's no wonder your sex life got better when you stopped.

Olivia Loverink

Thats all fine if you're married or in a serious, committed relathionship but I'd rather pleasure myself than go out and catch something from someone just to be with someone else.

nonmember avatar Erika

Rather than so much time by yourself with the toy, bring it into the bedroom! 80% of women don't orgasm with sex alone. Adding a toy WITH your partner ensures BOTH of you have an orgasm and keeps things exciting. Orgasms are good for us and we should have them at least 4 times a week- alone or with a partner. Toys don't have to replace a partner, they can certainly enhance that time!!!

Madeleine Shade

It's an interesting point, but I've found that the more I have sex, the more I want it. Masturbation is NEVER as good as it is with my mate, but it keeps me in the hot seat.

nonmember avatar Lisa

As a young 51 yr old, I still enjoy relations with my partner. Problem is, he had a back injury at about 28 yrs old that has become so bad, he is waiting for his SSD, he cannot work. We have relations, about twice a year. How would you I deal with that? I am relatively healthy, working full time and at a healthy weight, no real health issues.

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