The Biggest Turn-Off for Men Is Something We All Do

a woman smiling in bed

I've dated a bunch of guys over the last year as a newly single mom and inevitably the conversation gets to sex. And as a sex columnist and writer, I figured it would be the perfect opportunity to get insight into what men think is the biggest turn-off in the bedroom.

Well. Let me just say that not only were the answers pretty much consistent across the board, the turn-off was something that I would never have thought would have made the list in a thousand years.

But worst of all, a lot of women do it. Including you.

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Both in my research for the sex book for parents I wrote awhile back and in my own personal "field work," the bedroom turn-off guys have mentioned the most is a woman's shyness in the bedroom.

And I get it.

I mean, the last thing you'd want in a guy would be for him to hide under the covers or begrudgingly take off his clothes. Wouldn't you wonder why he was so incredibly timid?

And let's be honest here. I've been with guys of various levels of attractiveness, and the one thing they all have in common (for the most part) is that they are not shy, even if they might have a reason to be.

Plus, when did you really care about the little bit of love handles?

Well, guess what, ladies, you're turning your men off with your lack of confidence. The jumping under the covers, the quick dash for the light switch: All it says about you is that you're uncomfortable. And that's not really very sexy.

Now look, this doesn't mean you suddenly need to become an animal or a dominatrix. But maybe you should think about how you're responding and reacting to your partner.

If there's anything I've learned in speaking to men and women about sex over the years, it's that women are their own worst enemy. (I'm a woman and I include myself.) The stuff that you're saying about yourself and thinking about yourself is not what that other person is saying or thinking at all. You are creating a narrative about your feelings about your body or about your sexuality, and you're putting that on your partner.

And look, if they actually are saying that stuff, well, you shouldn't be having sex with them.

What I've gleaned most about dating again over this last year is that a confident woman who's comfortable with her body and her sexuality is hot, no matter her size, her shape, or her weight.

So stop being embarrassed about who you are and have some fun!

Are you shy in the bedroom?


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nonmember avatar jim

Being comfortable in ones skin takes a great deal of confidence. A great article for both sexes to read and understand.

nonmember avatar Denise

Wow! This really hit home! My (new) husband and I just had this conversation last week! He admitted he doesn't like it when I am so quick to cover myself up, or am so resistant to showing a little skin every once in a while. Ladies, we have to learn to love our bodies and be comfortable in our own skin! And our men will see and feel our confidence and it will drive them crazy! In the words of my husband, "There is nothing more sexy than a confident woman! "

jenns... jennslost

This article hit the nail on the head. And love how she compared our actions to what a man would do.

nonmember avatar Karma

A confidence man with a below average penis wouldn't get a snicker from the woman....said no man ever!

nonmember avatar Stevie

I agree so much! I'm currently 28 weeks pregnant and we just went to a concert at a lake, and I'm not "huge" but I'm not all super tiny like I was at 17, but I wore a bikini and my shorts or if the wind was blowing I wore a loose Lacy shirt over the top. I couldn't believe the looks I was getting from other women! Not one man looked at me with disgust but they didn't ogle me either, but almost every single woman aside from the ones I knew looked at me like I was horrible! I was there with my husband and three year old and my in-laws and some friends. It's not like I was running around naked and it was 95• and we were at a freaking lake, I was dying of heat, and I wasn't going to let being pregnant stop me from keeping as cool as possible. I did the same thing when I was 18 and pregnant with my toddler, I'm not ashamed of my body, pregnant or not and I don't think that other women should be either!


I'm not no, it's not something all women do.

nonmember avatar Fifi

So, you're making shy women feel even worse about themselves? Just because they're not slutting it up? Why should they put on a performance for some man who doesn't care about them? If its someone that loves them, they should understand.

the4m... the4mutts

My husband is okay with my random shy moments. Doesn't bother him, because before me, he was shy too. Im apparently the only woman to make him feel comfortable in his own skin since he was a teenager. The other women were just snooty bitches. He has NOTHING to be shy about.

His biggest turn off? When I stare at the ceiling when he's on top. Im not doing it out of boredom, but sometimes I just forget to close my eyes. It freaks him out, like maybe there's a spider up there, about to fall in his butt crack or something hahaha

00NoW... 00NoWay00

@the4mutts ... you made me LOL with the spider comment. :) And @fifi, she isn't saying to "slut it up" ...whatever that means. She says to be confident about your body and not constantly hide it from your husband / boyfriend. There was nothing about putting on a show. They obviously are attracted to you and love you for who you are. If they don't , then maybe you should rethink your relationship.

nonmember avatar Anon

While I agree, everyone should work towards feeling confident, I personally aim to keep it about themselves. Be confident about yourself for you...not for the partner. That said, keeping a bit covered or turning out the lights now and then isn't a bad thing. It is just trying something different, a different perspective, a different way to explore each other. Why should we always do it their way? I want to feel the skin and hear all the soft sounds and smell the good and the bad - which is heightened when the vision is subtracted. (You think blind people aren't doing it? :P ) Just whipping off all the clothes and having at it every. single. time...yawn. I experienced a good number of guys when I was younger and now have been with the same person for over a decade - we like to keep it fresh and it just gets better. Sometimes he is even the one to initiate it after the lights are off and the covers are drawn. It's so good. Also, I wouldn't want a guy who is so picky, but maybe that's just me? Compassion rules. I want to have fun and make each other feel good.

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