The 1 Thing You Should Do to Save Your Sexless Marriage (VIDEO)

couple in bedHow important is sex for a healthy marriage? Supposedly one in three couples is struggling with a "sexual desire gap" -- meaning one of you wants it a whole lot more than the other does. It's not surprising. All the demands on our lives, the stress, the lack of sleep, can be libido-crushing. And sex is hard to talk about for many couples. But letting your sexless marriage chug along untended could seriously hurt your relationship -- and in ways you may not even be aware of.

There's a lot of great advice for couples struggling to get some sexual healing back into their marriage. But relationship expert Michele Weiner-Davis has a novel suggestion for those of you in a sex-starved marriage. Here's how to save your marriage if you're never or rarely in the mood for gettin' it on.

But first, here's why a healthy, thriving sex life is important to your marriage: "It's really about feeling loved, about feeling wanted, about feeling connected," Weiner-Davis says. When your sex life dies, "intimacy on all levels goes right out the door." We need that intense connection, maybe even more than we need food and water. Worse, disconnection and rejection hurt.

So what can you do if you're just not in the mood? Change the way we think about how sexual desire works. We usually think of sex happening something like this:

1. Feelings of desire lead to ....

2. Initiating sex and feeling aroused, which leads to ...

3. Feeling an orgasms, we hope! Which then leads to ...

4. Resolution, that happy afterglow following sex.

What Wiener-Davis suggests is that sex doesn't always happen in this order for everyone. For a lot of people (she says maybe half), steps 1 and 2 are reversed. (And I would say these steps are reversed for all of us from time to time.) Maybe you need to be physically stimulated before you can feel sexual desire. Arousal comes before desire.

So if your partner is in the mood, but you're not, give in to their advances anyway and see if their caresses can get you there. Weiner-Davis says, "Once you get into it you just might remember: 'I like sex.'"

She has advice for spouses on the other end, too -- if you're frustrated that your partner never wants to have sex, you need to manage your feelings of hurt and anger and try to be more understanding. And for both spouses, there are three important lessons Weiner-Davis says we need to remember.

1. We have to become experts in our partners' way of feeling connected to us.

2. Don't tell yourself, "it's just sex." "Sex is a powerful way of connecting and bonding with somebody you love."

3. "When you get your partner's way of connecting with you, you don't have to fully understand it, you don't have to fully agree with it, you just have to do it ... healthy relationships are based on mutual care-taking, plus it's about love."

She's not talking about lying back and just letting someone do their thing while you stare at the ceiling and think about your to-do list. And she's not talking about accepting marital rape. She's talking about treating sex as an act of love, a way to care for your spouse, and a way to feel closer. And I think approaching it with that attitude could make a big difference.

Have you ever tried getting into the mood for sex this way? How did it work?


Image via Corbis



marriage, sexuality


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BGarcel BGarcel

I think this is why I'm so horny for my husband.

nonmember avatar Missy

The video was so hard to watch I don't think my husband gives a shit about how horrible our lack of sexy makes me feel. We used to be very active I just feel rejected. He loves his stupid Playstation more than me

nonmember avatar ProudMommyOf2

My husband and I are still knocking boots AT LEAST twice a day. I find him to be damn sexy, and for some reason, he thinks the same for me... But his other how he never lets me mow or take out trash, pump my own gas... I am extremely blessed.... Now my ex that i was with for ten years, I had a lot of "stomache aches" so he was lucky to get it once every couple of months....

nonmember avatar strickland

Since i had our baby four years ago i dont feel like im wanted im asleep before he even thinks bout comeing to bed

peace431 peace431

Sex no longer exsists in my relationship ever since my daughter was born 5 yrs ago . I mostly just feel rejected by him he doesnt love me i dont think we are like roomates raising a child together

nonmember avatar Midwest chick

Been there tried it. We both have underlying issues that don't help. I've tried giving in abs getting into it. It never works.

nonmember avatar Christine

I'm just not feeling sex. Like, ever. I wish I did, for my husband's sake. I do act like I'm into it sometimes, but usually it just dies out and I realize I'm faking it, or at least exaggerating how I really feel. In the end I just want it to be done as fast as possible because it's rare when I have "extra time" and I don't want to spend it having sex lol

Any suggestions for me?

Charlita Mcp

All the comments made me really sad for all the women with failing libidos.  I just turned 53 and I still want it -- all the time... well once a day if possible.  If I'm not lucky enough to be with my partner, I get there on my own.  I hope that the day never comes when I don't connect sexually with my guy.  Have witnessed the effects of this several times and it's sad for everyone when the sex/love goes out of a marriage/partnership.

Katelyn Michelle Fields Paul

Christine, Sometimes I have the same problem because I have thyroid issues and my hormones are imbalanced. You might want to see if your estrogen level is high enough because sometimes that can bring your mood sexual down.

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