9 Signs It's Past Time to Get a Divorce

Hindsight is 20/20, right? In the months leading up to my divorce, I was spending a lot of time trying to figure out if I could survive a life outside of marriage, or would it be better to just concede and continue being the good wife I always had been? It had already become very clear that the husband was happy with the status quo and unwilling to make any changes.

One day I finally admitted out loud to my therapist, whom I paid to not judge me for expressing such things aloud, "I think I feel like I already have one foot out the door." He gently suggested that given the feelings I had shared with him, it sounded like I had more than "one foot out of the door."

I'd never thought about it like that, but it was true. Legally and physically, I was still tied to the stranger I shared a home and children with, but emotionally and spiritually ... well, that ship had sailed long before I even began contemplating the D-word.

Over the course of the past year, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on "where it all went wrong," and the only conclusion I've come to is that while there may be no wrong or right time or reason to get a divorce, there are quite possibly some pretty big signs that your marriage is already DOA.

  1. You literally cannot remember the last time you had a real conversation with your spouse. The last time you captivatingly listened to each other, or shared opinions or observations, amicably debated, or even just really laughed together.
  2. You occasionally wish you were dead*. Or for the the Second Coming to be here already. You just wish there was a way to end the misery in your life without having to do anything, because dang it, you're wiped out.
  3. It's always the same fight. Always. Over and over. Like a crazy carousel. Or like banging your head on a brick wall. It never ends and you never get anywhere.
  4. You're always waiting to get your husband back. Sure, people have ups and downs, mood swings, bad days, good days, but if you find yourself walking on eggshells around Mr. Hyde and fantasizing about Dr. Jekyll, accept the reality that they are the same person and decide to live with both or neither.
  5. You imagine yourself being friends with his new wife. There has to be someone out there that's just perfect for him. Someone that can make him happy. Because you've tried, and it's not you. You'd like to take this lady to lunch and give her a hug.
  6. Date night makes you cringe. You have to spend time alone with him? Is it going to be awkward silence or awkward conversation this time?
  7. You don't want him to touch you. Not for sex, not for cuddles, not for holding hands. Maybe for foot rubs, but you stopped begging for those a long time ago.
  8. You start using three forms of birth control because you're terrified of procreating again with him. Double if you actually want more kids, just not with him.
  9. You think about having kids without him. There doesn't have to be someone else in the picture (if there's someone else in the picture, do everyone a favor and end the relationship now -- you pick, the affair or the marriage), but if you can picture yourself having kids with some nameless, faceless future second husband ... your marriage to your first husband might be over.

Do you know of any telltale signs that a marriage is basically over?

 

Image via fractured-fairytales/Flickr

*I'm not talking suicidal thoughts here. If you're having those, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255 -- call now.

divorce, exes, marriage

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happymia happymia

Really? Does no one take marriage seriously anymore? We got married at 18 , and celebrated 15 years yesterday. Of course we've felt each of your examples at one point or another, but no one said it would be easy. No one fights for their marriage, its all about your own happiness, so of course they go for divorce, but you just bring the same issues into the next marriage. Its not all about you, your happiness, your wants, your needs. If more people spent half their energy on serving their spouse, instead of themselves, the divorce rate would drastically go down. Imo the only reason for divorce is, abuse. .

the4m... the4mutts

Who fucking cares about the divorce rate? Does it affect your life? No. It doesn't. If your neighbor has 50 divorces, that doesn't mean it's going to "rub off" on you.

Idk why you people give such a rats ass about what others do with their life.

Jenny may believe in "holy" matrimony, and so may others, but not everyone does. There are plenty of people who view marriage as a civil contract, to be ended when the contract no longer benefits both parties, and a negotiation can't be made.

You may not like that, but unless it affects YOU, then get over it.

Robin Hartman

Well, some people have tried everything and they realize they're just not right for each other. You only live once, why be miserable? I do think couples should work on their marriage first, but sometimes it just doesn't work. Try to put yourself in someone else's shoes. I met my husband when I was 18 and we are still happily together, but I have seen my friends go through divorce. It's not an easy decision or process, but sometimes it's for the best. 

the4m... the4mutts

Btw, Jenny, I miss your other blogs. You used to talk about so many other things. It seems like you're just dwelling on a part of your life that is over now. I miss the "other" Jenny

nonmember avatar SickOfHearingIt

How about signs that it's time to get over it? Number one: When people on the internet tell you to give it a rest already.

nonmember avatar Thompson

It seems that the common theme of failing marriages always comes down to "growing apart from lack of communication". Based on Jenny's article it doesn't sound like there is any communication going on. It also sounds like her shrink is helping her validate reasons to leave. But I wonder if marriage counseling that helps these two learn to comminicate and change together would heal the marriage? I agree with HappyMia that these days it's okay culturally to have multiple divorces and therefore is so easy to just give up. I just hope these two through counseling can get redirected and learn how to communicate and adapt to each other's needs. Best of luck to the both of them.

the4m... the4mutts

Thompson, they've been divorced for a while now.

Evaly... EvalynCarnate

I agree with Mutts, Jenny. I really like a lot of your old posts and believe that you should get back to them. Constantly writing about divorce doesnt look good.. 

nonmember avatar Laura

I think I would have sex with a guy, but only on the 5th date, if he paid for my all of my food.

nonmember avatar nameless

Thank you so much for posting this I have been married almost 2 years now and constantly my "husband" calls me a whore a slut a bitch a cunt anything you can think of I've probably been called it I can't take it anymore he verbally abuses me and my 2 girls I can't wait to get out the problem is he refuses to admit it's abuse because he dose not hit us and has already said he will never sign papers I don't know what to do anyone I try to talk to he will go behind my back and read the messages I've had to change my passwords and protect my phone all day :( I feel like I'm living in a jail cell unfortunately he is military so moving home is that much harder :(

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