It's pretty much just a fact of life that most men are totally clueless about how to pick a girl up. Sure, a small percentage are good at it, and a tiny percentage are excellent at it, but most guys suck at it. You would think they'd be better at it given that from the ages of 12 to 65 heterosexual men probably think about women more than anything else -- but for some reason, so few have figured it out. I honestly don't get it. Consider what Lauren Urasek, a pretty, brunette 23-year-old gets every day. She is, according to OK Cupid, the most popular girl on the dating site in New York City. Every day, she gets dozens of emails. The vast majority of them so horrible that she doesn't answer them.
In fact, the lines men email her are so overwhelmingly awful that she has -- of course -- made a Tumblr blog for them. Some example from theyreallysaidthis.tumblr.com:
- Hey, theree, do you like guys with nice bodies?
- I'd eat you out from behind!
- sup freakshow u wanna trade some naughty pics?
- Your breasts are amazing.
Yep, this is their opening salvo. Needless to say, Lauren ignores the vast majority of these emails. Do guys think it would be otherwise? Do these come-ons actually work?! But it's not just the Laurens of the world that get some crazy come-ons. Here's some examples offered by friends and acquaintances. Mind you, not all are from guys!
1. "On a scale of 1 to 10 in America, how free are you this weekend?" [From a girl to a girl. This must explain why it's kind of cute.]
2. "Excuse me but, are you from Tennessee? 'Cause your the only 10 I see!" [Allegedly from a woman to a man.]
3. My jacket was a shiny black pleather. Guy touches it and says "Is that felt?" I look at him and say "no" in nasty tone. He says, "It is now!"
4. "Did you just fart? Because you blew me away."
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5. "If you could kill anyone in this bar right now, who would it be?"
6. "You should come to Boston. We can watch some movies on my kicking love seat." [From a woman to a man.]
7. "You must work on Wall Street because your approach is complex and derivative." [From a woman to a man.]
8. "I see you're a musician. Let's make beautiful music together."
9. After not anwering a very long, misspelled, barely sensical email from a guy on a dating site, he sent me this: "Did you read my PhD thesis? I was so eager to hear back ... .thinkinh ... Perhaps No response is a response ... Perhaps ... I come accross too good to be true ... so you may be in utter disbelief!" Yeah, that must be it. Too good to be true!
10. First email from a man I had never corresponded with before in my life: "Please don't leave me!"
11. First email from this guy ever: "I love you!"
12. First email: "What's your phone number?"
13. "I have a Shannen Doherty tattoo."
What's the worst opener you've heard?
Image via Rob Boudon/Flickr