Men! They will never cease to surprise us. That is especially true when it comes to sex. The other day, a friend told me about her husband's quirky pre-sex habit. On their scheduled nookie nights (yes, they put sex on the calendar; otherwise, it wouldn't happen), he clips his toenails. He does it EVERY TIME. It drives her nuts, but she doesn't really have a good reason for telling him not to. After all, she imagines it's because he doesn't want to scratch up her legs. The whole scenario made me chuckle. So I asked other wives about the off-the-wall things their husbands did before sex too. Here are the hilarious answers.
- “He feeds the dog. It’s like he always remembers at that exact moment we are getting ready to, you know. Then he comes back to the room and all I can think about is him unknowingly rubbing microscopic bits of dog food over my body.”
- "He does push-ups. Like he's pumping himself up or something."
- "He showers for like an HOUR. Probably because he wants to relax in there and wind down. I get it, but I am also going to be fast asleep by the time he finally decides to emerge from his mini spa day."
- "He was a little drunk and he peed on me."
- "He called his mother. It didn't just kill the mood, just the thought of her makes me mad."
- "He put Vicks Vapor Rub on his penis."
- "He flossed -- IN BED. I could see the particulars flicking from his mouth. YUCK."
- "He makes really sarcastic or inappropriate jokes to 'rile me up.' He thinks it's a turn-on. It isn't. Though I think it might be for him!"
- "He pooped. I mean seriously, who wants to get it on with a guy who just made our bathroom smell like the monkey house in the zoo."
- "Oh God, my husband sometimes makes this sound ... like a little hum ... da da dum before sex. I've been trying to find a nice way to tell him to STOP for ages now."
- "One time I went to use my mouth on my husband before sex and it tasted horrible! Turns out he had put hand sanitizer on it! WTF is wrong with men?!"
- "I've caught him tweezing the gray hairs from his private parts right before. There is something so unsexy hearing him yell ouch a zillion times."
What are the off-the-wall things your man does before sex?
Image via Richard Riley/Flickr