I 'Cheat' on My Wife by Lying About How I'm Spending My Time

I can't go on living this lie. I cheat on my wife. Every single day.

All she wants to do when she finishes a hard slog at work is kick off her heels and watch her favorite shows with me. And so do I. But I've already seen them. So I have to pretend that I haven't.

You see, while my wife is out supporting my ass, I'm home all day. (Our daughter attends daycare three days a week.) Pretending that all this great TV is not waiting there on the DVR and Netflix works for a while. But there's only so much pretend job-hunting, pretend cleaning, and real Facebooking a man can do on an average (non) workday.

And so, I feign shock at every plot twist in True Detective and every crisis that Hannah Horvath manufactures for herself on Girls. (Sometimes, I'll even predict what happens next. But a third of my guesses will be wrong, so I can evade suspicion and yet still appear brilliant.)

I'm not proud of any of this.

And now House of Cards is back and, like every Netflix original series, there all at once. Thirteen enticing episodes just sitting there, like 13 slices of delicious pizza in the fridge. What am I supposed to do, starve myself?

So yes, I'm already halfway through season 2 on my own, while my wife and I have only just seen the first new episode together.

I can't even look her in the face. Adding insult to injury? She pays the cable bill.

What do you lie to your significant other about?


Image via DaGoaty/Flickr

cheating, living together, lying, marriage, television

9 Comments

To add a comment, please log in with

Use Your CafeMom Profile

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Comment As a Guest

Guest comments are moderated and will not appear immediately.

nonmember avatar Kristi

who else I kiss.

Dan Connell

Halarious as always, Mr. Levitan!


I only "lie" when I know the "truth" (if there is such a thing) will not set me free; when "truth" will cause me to have to listen and re-listen to endless hours of complaints or insults; when "truth" will lead to a complete lack of any critical thought process by my gal, and I will only not tell the "truth" for matters that are trivial, matters of opinion, and/or for things that will not matter a whit tmorrow. Sadly, that does not include cheating on new TV episodes ... Like Corey, I'm pretty much a stay at home, not working so much, dad. But I have a bit more self control with the TV - my vice seesm to be posting below humor columns and not telling anyone... 



Dan Connell

um .. that first word is supposed to be "hilarious" ..oops,  heh heh... 

nonmember avatar Jay

I also watch TV shows right away, then not mention that I have watched them so 'we' can watch them. It's all good, I'll watch EVERY Walking Dead twice.

Choco... Chocodoxies

I'm waiting for someone to come along and say that you are a horrible beast of a man; selfish to your core. If only your poor wife would wake up and extricate herself from your slimy, tight grip. Don't you realize that you are erroding the foundation of your marriage by prewatching Girls and then not ruining it for by making her watch it alone while you facebook scan?

Martin Stein

When I'm on my own is when the movies with lots of explosions and gunfire come on (often but not always involving a cop who plays by his own rules). 

Nina Cote

If that is the only "cheating" you do than I see your marriage lasting a long long time. And you must be doing some real cleaning cause if you weren't your wife would be pissed and your blog wouldn't sound like it's coming from a happy man.. And frankly I would let my man watch anything he wanted if it meant I could go to work and he could stay home..

Lisa Rabiye

i am happy that i and my Ex are back again and he already told me he needs me and wants to stay with me forever, dr.marnish@yahoo.com is the greatest!! with his spell all this happened, you can reach him on this number +15036626930
Lisa Rabiye

1-9 of 9 comments