My Wife Hates Me Because I'm a Stay-at-Home Dad

Rant 40

My wife resents me with every strand of her hot little DNA. And it's not the never listening, the constantly open kitchen cabinets, or the vegetarian farts -- although they probably don't help. It's because I get to sit around crafting ambiguously profane "Wheels on the Bus" lyrics with our 2-year-old while she works 10 hours a day supporting us.

Every picture I share of our daughter and me bonding, every message about what she had for lunch or what new mall we browsed, kills her. (When Skylar spoke her first sentence, I had to pretend she didn't and wait until she repeated it for both of us to hear. Oops, did I just publish that?)

Of course, I'm oblivious to this raging jealousy in the moment. I only discover it during my wife's bi-monthly, bottled-up explosions at me. So, after I apologize and we make up, I assume for some reason that things are forgiven and return to all my inconsiderate behaviors. (I have never claimed not to be a moron.)

And the thing wracking me with guilt is that I want to trade places as much as my wife does. I love my daughter more than anything. Yet I would also give anything to go back to my former career as an award-winning newspaper columnist with medical benefits who pawns his kid off to full-time daycare. (However, because print media suddenly decided to do its best impression of the telegraph industry, the only menial full-time jobs I now qualify for wouldn't even pay for the daycare.)

I blame "The Brady Bunch." Possibly enough to sue. As progressive as it may have been for its divorce premise -- and for what actor Robert Reed was up to behind the scenes -- this twisted TV pestilence taught me that the husband is the provider, period, and the wife greets the husband in a floral-print blouse when he comes home from a hard day of providing. (I tried doing that once, but Tom, my across-the-street neighbor, complained.)

I know these stereotypes are neither legitimate nor helpful -- but I only know this intellectually, not emotionally. And so, while most of my guy friends think I have it made, I can't help but feel like an utter failure because I cook, carefully judge diaper bloat, and drink pretend tea for a living.

Are your parental roles reversed and, if so, does it cause any problems?


being a mom

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Todd Vrancic

Our roles were reversed and my wife says she's thankful they were.  In her words "staying home with the kids would drive me insane, I'm so glad you can do it instead."  We did what worked for us, and didn't worry about what the world thought.


By the way, a floral blouse is not in my wardrobe, will a Hawaiian shirt do?

Coles... Coles_mom

This has been a huge issue in our marriage except reversed. My husband and I both had successful careers. When we ended up having kids (which was unexpected because we'd been told we couldn't by a doctor)....I chose to be a stay at home mom. He HATES that I do that with every fiber of his being. He is jealous and angry all.the.time. Truth is, I WANT to be at home with the kids. Plus, his job pays more than mine even would. I was a practice administrator for a medical clinic. He is in sales and his commission check is usually more than what I made in 2 years combined. It has put so much anger and jealousy in our marriage. If he made minimum wage, I'd STILL choose to be at home with my kids. I love being a full-time mom more than anything in the world.

ashjo85 ashjo85

That's how our house is too. Except he's a TERRIBLE housewife, and doesn't worry about any of he same things I worry about. How long did he nap? Oh, I don't know. A while. So I end up stressed more than I should be if I just left the whole parenting deal in his hands. I don't think he resents staying home, he loves it. I wish I could stay home too, but alas...

kjjakjja kjjakjja

My husband also stays at home with our 2 year old son. Although he doesn't want to miss one moment of the activities, tantums and milestones, he sometimes seems to resent not being the breadwinner and provider.

mem82 mem82

For the reasons you mentioned, my husband could not stay at home. He just couldn't. I don't know what would happen if our roles had to reverse but it wouldn't be pretty.

nonmember avatar anonymous

This is a tough issue for my family too-but it's my husband who resents me being home with the kids. He won't admit it though so I can't have a real discussion about it with him. Although he wouldn't want to be home himself, he'd go crazy. He just wants me to work too. (but if I went back to work there are so many complications that he doesn't consider-we have transportation issues, he doesn't work a set schedule so I'd have to find a job willing to work around that, or pay for child care which my salary would not cover. Then I would come home to a huge mess that I'd have to spend my time at home cleaning.) Not all women have fulfilling careers to return to after having children. And I think in the long term having a parent home really does work out better for us. I love the time with my children. But we do struggle financially because of it.

Caely... Caelynnes.Mommy

my SO is a stay at home dad and it worked for us at first but now i do realize i resent him for it. he feels like a bum for not providing and i feel like i miss out on everything. but our reality is that i can make more money than he can, and if he were to work his entire check plus some would go to daycare costs so we would come out losers in the end. at least one of us gets to spend lots of time with our girls


 

nonmember avatar Starla

My career took off and his stagnated. His hours had him at home during during the day with the kids. I knew he resented the fact I made more money as the kids got older and tried to be respectful of his feelings. While hurt even though he said he was proud of my success I knew otherwise, and reminded him he got to go on field trips etc. stuff you don't get back.
I didn't know he used the time the kids were in school and old enough to not need him as much to screw someone young enough to be OUR kid...we're getting divorced

JessL... JessLogansMommy

I think I would be miserable if the situation was reversed.  I was the primary breadwinner before I got pregnant but I gave that up.  I still worked part time for a while but it just got to be too much.  I used to have to beg my mother to do things that I would have done anything to do myself.  Finally I missed my son's school birthday party and he was so upset it killed me.  I resigned right after that.  Now I do some bookkeeping for my father and I never miss a play, concert, sports game, birthday party or even bus pick up.  I'll be broke for the rest of my life but I would never give this up! 

nonmember avatar luangir

I am stay at home mom, and my husband resents me for it. But the money i would make going back to work would not even cover daycare. He has a good job. But we do fight because he is so jealous of me being at home and not him

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