Why We Aren't Getting the Pleasure We Deserve From Sex

couple kissingWhile talking to a friend about sex -- because, yes, girls do this sometimes, especially when we are wearing frilly panties and having pillow fights -- she told me that she doesn't really have orgasms. She doesn't fake them either. Wait. What does she mean by really? She only sort of has them? Yes. Sort of. She's more concerned with how she looks than how she feels. And this is the case for so many women. Some cases are worse. There is no sort of -- there's only nothing.

Many of us aren't getting the pleasure we deserve from sex. And a lot of the time, it's all our own fault.

Another friend told me that she just doesn't feel comfortable enough to talk to her boyfriend about what she needs to get off. So she just takes care of herself when he's not around. Essentially, she saying, Sure, it's fine you come all over my chest. I'm not freaked out about putting your penis in my mouth. But when it comes to telling you what will make me have an orgasm, I'm too uptight to do that.

What is wrong with this picture?!

Perhaps it has to do with some sort of deep-rooted subservient nonsense left over from ... oh you know that time women weren't allowed to vote. We're a bit screwed and clearly not often enough in the satisfying way. But recognizing, and talking, about this issue only helps women own up to how they've denied themselves the pleasure they deserve and do something about it. And by doing something about it, I mean having an orgasm. More orgasms. The first orgasm. The best orgasms.

We need to relax more. Stop worrying about the laundry. If your legs aren't perfectly shaved. If you forgot to work on your abs that day. Or the fact it may take a half hour for us to come.

We need to communicate more. Tell your lover what feels good. Then tell him again. Tell him whenever you can and whenever it's necessary. Give him directions because we all know from being in a car with him, he isn't going to stop and ask for them.

And if all these things fail, hang in there until you get a little bit older because I have to tell you that sex gets better as we age. (Who's with me?) Maybe we automatically become more relaxed. Maybe we are more comfortable talking about anything. Maybe we are smarter about everything. Maybe. Maybe it's all about patience and concentration and being open to feeling good. Yes. It's about all those things. Things that no matter how old or young you are, you should apply particularly when it comes to sex.

Are you guilty of not communicating enough or being too distracted to have orgasms?


 Image via Bryan Brenneman/Flickr

love, orgasm, sex


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nonmember avatar Amy

Ummmm no. I have an orgasm EVERY.SINGLE.TIME I have sex. My husband knows exactly how to get me off. Men aren't mind readers ladies. Speak up! The better the sex, the more you want to do it. You are happy, he is happy, everyone wins.

nonmember avatar april

My husband knows EXACTLY what to do to get me off. And I never had to say a single word. Because for some reason, even though this man knows EVERYTHING about me, and has seen me at my worst, I am still embarrassed to tell him specifics. So I tell him with moans. Works like a charm

Traci... Traci_Momof2

I don't think it's just women who have deep-rooted issues in this area.  I think sometimes women are afraid to tell men that they are doing it wrong because men have this super-hyped sense that they are supposed to know exactly how to please a woman or else they aren't a real man.  Us women buy into this by refusing to say something for fear of damaging their delicate male ego.  It's all a vicious cycle.

As for me and DH, things have gotten better over the years as we've both become more open to talking about it and telling each other when something doesn't work.  However, I still never have a vaginal orgasm.  I only get clitoral orgasms.  Luckily DH is willing to go down on me every time and give me that pleasure, but when it comes to the actual intercourse, that's pretty much all for him.  It's a nice sensation but that's about the most I can say about it.  Some things I've read have said that some women just don't orgasm vaginally.  Other things I've read say that all women can orgasm vaginally if the man knows what he's doing.  I don't know what to believe.  I also don't know what to tell DH to make it better.  Even before DH when I was with other guys, the sex was enjoyable but I can't really ever remember having a vaginal orgasm.  So I'd rather believe that I just don't than believe that I am broken.

BGarcel BGarcel

I still find it hard to believe that women still behave this way. My husband was my first in nearly everything sexual that wasnt kissing. And I was scared like hell in our sexual beginning that I was doing something wrong. I'll admit I didnt want to seem like I did not know what I was doing but I had no clue. "Oh hold his balls like this while giving him head..." You know who told me to hold his balls the right way? My husband. Come on women, 'man' up and take control of your own pleasure!

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