My Husband's Sex Addiction Drove Me to Divorce Him

Early on in a relationship, the sex is new and exciting and awesome. And you want it all. The. Time. There’s that new love euphoria that clouds your rationality that maybe there’s more to life than being physically intimate with this person, because zomg the touching just feels so good, and he seems to love your body, and your body loves his body, and crazy awesome hormones are pumping through your veins, and it really is like being in an altered state of reality.

When you’re in a new relationship with someone you really like, and they really like you too, you basically both become sex addicts. You want it when you want it, and damn the consequences. So what if you’re a little late to work -- that quickie before you got out of bed that morning was totally worth it.

Eventually though, those feelings settle down, and you either break up or you move to a new level of the relationship; one that maybe isn’t quite as exciting, but definitely much more comfortable. You get to know each other's bodies really well, but you also get to know each other better, and pick up on each other’s cues, and respect them and take care of them, and know that it’s ok if they’re occasionally not feeling the groove.

Unless you’re with a sex addict.

I didn’t realize I’d married a sex addict until years after our wedding day. We only dated for a few months before we got married, so basically I was still in sex-addict mode myself when I promised to love him until I died.

Eventually, I’d start wishing I were dead.

My ex-husband truly believed he owned my body and that I was in the wrong if I ever denied him access. When I wouldn’t give in to his advances because I was friggin’ tired from taking care of little kids, or not feeling well, or just because I didn’t feel like it right then, he would coldly turn his back on me and heave deep sighs of put-upon-ness, and I would cry myself to sleep because I just wanted to feel loved without having to have sex.

More from The Stir: Sex Addiction's Surprising Ties to Mental Illness

He told me that he was being respectful by only wanting it daily, because he thought three times a day or more would be a good amount, but even he realized that was a bit much to ask of a wife. See? He was being really respectful of me! Why didn’t I appreciate him more?

When you’re with someone that wants it all the time, there’s never a chance for you to want it. You know he’s constantly thinking about it. It’s the only way he feels like he’s living, and it drains the life out of you.

He turned to porn. I wished he would turn to other women, but as the long-suffering husband, I don’t think his psyche would allow for it. The porn further warped his sexual expectations, and his bitterness at my continued reluctance to be physically intimate with him more than three or four times a week grew.

He started ignoring me outside of the bedroom too, and I don’t think we had one real conversation the last two years of our marriage. I tried to talk to him about it, but he said there was no problem and it was all in my head, and he looooooved me so much. It was my problem, not his.

Eventually I started declining more and more, and when he touched me, I would inwardly cringe. All touch leads to sex. One of the red flags I had ignored early on in our relationship was his comment that there was no point in touching if it wasn’t going to lead to sex.

When he started just climbing on top of me, I didn’t call it rape because I didn’t stop him, even though I had told him I didn’t want to do it. I lay there, hating myself and hating him and wishing he would cheat on me so I could have an excuse to leave. He hated that I didn’t seem into anymore.

We went to couples therapy and the therapist wanted to put me on anti-depressants. I didn’t have the fortitude at that point to try another therapist. Meanwhile, I had started individual counseling and was slowly re-establishing my own self-worth.

One night when I really did push him away, he punched the pillow next to my head, and for the first time, I was really scared. He turned his back on me and in minutes was snoring. I lay awake all night wondering what to do.

I started saving money. I gave up trying to talk to him. We were like two ice cubes living together. The kids were anxious a lot. A few months after the pillow-hitting incident, I hired an attorney and filed for divorce. I moved out with the kids with nothing but the photo albums, some clothes, and my car.

Then all hell broke loose, because all of a sudden I was the heartless bitch that left her devoted, loyal husband without just cause. I’ve been called a whore to my face. I’ve lost friends, and acquaintances look at me with pity reserved for those that are making major mistakes. I’ve been told I’m ruining my kids’ lives, but the truth is that they’re doing better than ever.

I’m doing better too. My body is mine again, and I will never again let someone convince me that I don’t have total ownership over it.

Have you ever dealt with sexual abuse?

 

Image via Dennis Skley/Flickr

divorce, love, marriage, sex

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nonmember avatar Miriam

Sounds awful! Thankfully, I have never had to deal with any of this. My dh and I have about the same sex drive and that works for us. Glad you got out of the hell hole.

Einyn Einyn

Feels like my life with my ex minus the kids. I left and found a great sexual healthy life with another. And guess what - when it wasn't being pushed upon me incessantly, I began wanting it all of the time again.

erlar... erlark2012

Wow. This really opened my eyes.

nonmember avatar blah

Ahhh yes..women are the perpetual victims..its always the guy's fault.I often encourage every single guy that i know not to walk the plank (get married) because at any given time for any given reason he can lose everything because a d@mn woman decides that she wants out or that she's unhappy and viola: even if he was faithful/and husband of the year--he has nothing.Any dude who wants to get hitched these days is a glutton for punishment and a masochist.

nonmember avatar Kcon

Wow what a great post. These are posts that lure me back on to thestir! Thank you for sharing and I am so happy that you had the courage to get yourself out of that marriage in time.

amazz... amazzonia

respect for each other is the key of a good marriage, that's why I feel sorry for all those women who believe that they HAVE to have sex, if they don't want to be cheated on, that is just sad, sex is important and nice but is not the foundation of a marriage

nonmember avatar 0i

Wow you are really awesome . Brave for writing it in detail, brave for sharing, and beyond wise to look back and see the pain.. and deal with it. I feel for you and I want to say anyone you may have lost because of this... wasn't really ever there for you anyway. See it as a blessing . I have had the wool over my eyes in a relationship before. It took going thro something painful to make me remove it . Funny how we work eh?

MsLin... MsLinneyMinnie

So you marry young, stupid, & fast then get upset that he has an average, normal male sex drive?!? then after not having sex with him bc you're too tired (despite him working & being tired too) you're mad he's taking care of the issue himself!?!?!? then you whine about wanting him to cheat- which if he had this would be a boo hoo pity, pity poor me article. I can see why the author didn't put her name next to this article. it's an absolute disgusting embarrassment - Nice way to skate your part in taking the easy way out of a marriage, also give it 5 years with your new relationship & we'll see this same poor me bs bc he will want a healthy, normal sex life 

candy... candyw210

mslinneyminnie you are insane! Anyone who demands sex literally every single day or they are not happy is not worth it! You should not have to feel like you have to have sex every day to keep your husband happy! A woman's body is just that; HERS!! Did you not read the article at all?? He was wanting it literally every day! The woman didn't have a chance to want it because she was being submissive to her husband until she had enough! Good for you for getting out of that toxic relationship! Mslinneyminnie you may have low self esteem and not care if your man pushes himself on you everyday but that is your issue you should seek help for. The author knew it wasn't right for her husband to demand sex every day; which it's not and she did something about it! You are not a sane human being if you feel a woman should just give it to her husband when he wants it ( everyday) regardless of if youwant it or how you feel, and I hope for your sake if you are in a relationship like this that you have no kids that you can damage; making them think it's ok for a man to own them or take control of a woman's body. You need help and I hope you get it and kudos for the author for doing what was best for her and her kids and getting out!

nonmember avatar MySweetBrena

This article is bold, brave, honest, and from the heart! I really respect the writer for being able to tell her story.



As for some of you morons: A person's body, is just that, THEIR BODY. They have the right to refuse all advances (even if they are married) without threat of physical harm.

I didn't marry to be a servant. I married because we LOVED and RESPECTED one another.

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