I wish he would just hit me. I remember having that thought, and it took me aback. We had been so happy once, why was I so miserable and why did I feel so trapped? Why did I wish he would just hit me, so I could have an excuse to leave him? Did I want to leave him? He wasn’t so bad … most of the time.
He didn’t cheat on me with another woman, as far as I knew. He didn’t call me a bitch or anything. Sometimes he was really nice, but mostly he just ignored me. He didn’t always. In the beginning of our relationship, his world revolved around me, and mine around him.
When had things become so bad that I wanted him to hit me, so I could have a physical sign of the emotional pain I found myself constantly battling? That’s when I started googling and found out about emotional abuse.
More from The Stir: 15 Signs You're in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Emotional abuse is insidious. Mostly because it’s not easily recognizable, and you’re just tired and drained all. the. freaking. time. You love your spouse so much, and you know that life without them would suck, because they stick with you even when you don’t deserve it.
You just try to be the best partner you can be, and it’s ok that sometimes your lover gets in a bad mood and snaps at you, because you totally should have been more sensitive to their difficulties. Or the times you really overstep and they ignore you for days, only to pop out of it and act like nothing happened.
God forbid you ever try to confront them on anything -- it’s better to just let the insults roll off your back than to try to stand up for yourself. But what’s there to stand up for anyway? They didn’t really mean it. And they are so good a lot of the time … there’s no way that this relationship could be considered abusive …?
More from The Stir: 5 Ways to Get Out of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Maybe. Maybe not. But if you find yourself feeling trapped in a relationship that you don’t really understand, drained of your vitality, and feeling like you’re constantly walking on eggshells with your partner, you might be a victim of emotional abuse.
And if you wish he would just hit you and be done with it? Yeah, that’s a pretty big sign.
P.S. I have since gotten out from under his controlling thumb and moved on with my life. I’ve never looked back.
If you are living in an abusive environment, there's help. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233.
Have you ever been the victim of emotional abuse?
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