5 Things You Can NEVER Change About a Man

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changing For the most part, it's a TERRIBLE idea to marry and get serious with a person you want to change. This is because, in general, people are not fixer-uppers and can't be remodeled and changed to suit our wishes. They are who they are, and we either accept them as they are or we end up sorely disappointed.

Earlier this week, we talked about things we CAN change, but most of those are physical, small changes that come with getting older or becoming a more mature person. Most people weren't going to live with their parents forever with or without the girlfriend who gave them the little push.

That said, the list of things that CAN'T be changed is much, much longer. Here are 5 things you can never, ever change about a man and you must accept to ever be together:

  1. His relationship with his mom/sister: If you hate his mom and his sister or one or the other and they are very, very close, don't think you are going to change that. I once dated a guy with a VERY creepy relationship with his sister and guess what? We ended. There was no way I wanted to stay in that and make things harder on myself.
  2. His drinking: Sure, people can stop drinking, but if he is an alcoholic and won't admit it, he is NEVER going to choose you over booze. Let it go quickly before you are in too deep. Otherwise, you are in for a world of hurt and pain.
  3. His workaholic ways: This doesn't have to be a deal-breaker, but if you want a 9-5, working for the weekends kind of guy who will be home when you want him to be home, maybe DON'T get serious with a guy who is really into his career and who puts in 60 hours a week to get to the top. Ambition is awesome for the right woman, but it can't be changed. Accept it or move on.
  4. His dog: Don't make a man get rid of his dog. Just don't. If you are dating a man with a dog and you don't like him, learn to like him. If you are allergic, learn to cope or take shots. My husband accepted my cat even though he broke out in hives the day we moved in together. He got used to the cat and lost the allergy.
  5. His love of sports: If you hate sports, you can marry a guy who loves them, but you have to accept that difference; otherwise, prepare to be miserable. You have to meet him where he is.

This list is obviously incomplete. It doesn't get into political beliefs or religious beliefs or family values or much else. The reality is, the list of what you CAN'T change is much longer because, mostly, we need to learn to just accept people as they are. Period.

Did you ever think you could change something about someone you could not?


 Image via BennyMazur/Flickr

dating, marriage


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nonmember avatar April

I will disagree on number one. If there is an unhealthy relationship dynamic there, sometimes it will change. Note that *I* did not personally change the dynamic, but him seeing how his mother treated me opened his eyes to some of her other behavior that he wasn't able to see before. Now he realizes that she had placed him in a "psuedo husband" dynamic and she was too involved in his personal affairs and how he allowed it. He changed a lot of boundaries with ther and refuses to allow her to manipulate him with guilt anymore. I didn't set out to change the relationship between the two of them, per se, and they are still close, but I did calmly point out some weird things and he eventually saw them. but it's totally not an over night thing. I'd say it took a good 3 years for him to even start opening his eyes, and another 3 or 4 to start speaking up to her.

linzemae linzemae

my husband was an alcoholic when we got together. he was 21 and drank everynight. i put a stop to that. 

nonmember avatar Claire

Hey Sasha, where do you come up with all your bullshit advice? A 1958 issue of Ladies Home Journal?

Traci... Traci_Momof2

Several of these things have changed about my husband in the 14 years we have been married.  BUT, most of it just naturally evolved.  It's not anything *I* specifically changed about him.  But it still shows that people can and do change.

1.  When DH and I met he was very close with his mom.  Now, I talk to her more than he does because he just doesn't want to.  He doesn't want much of anything to do with his parents.  It's not any one specific thing that made the change happen.  It's just happened over time and over many incidents.

3.  My DH has been very workaholic at some points and non-workaholic at other points and it's been completely dependent on the job demands.  If the job demands more, he gives more.  If the job is not so demanding then he can be trusted to be home by 5:30 every day.

5.  When we were first married, DH would plan his Sunday's around watching the football games.  Now, he couldn't care less.  I think kids changed that about him more than anything.  Another thing that kids changed about him was it turned him from being a neat freak to being a slob.  Kids have a super power beyond what spouses have to change people.

Sandy Reis

Once a cheater always a cheater. This no woman can ever stop. 

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