breaking up Breaking up, as the song says, is a plate full of suck sandwich. You meet someone, sparks fly, and then you start doing that weird thing we call dating. You know, when you touch each other's parts and go see movies, sometimes you eat food too. Eventually though, you come to realize that this isn't the person for you, you don't want to watch movie with them or have fights about spooning -- you want to break-up. So you do it, or it is done to you and then you eat all of the ice cream that there is.

Be you the dumper or the dumpee, breaking up is the pits. It also happens more and more these days with online dating. You go on one date with a person, and feel no connection. You don't want to see them again. This wouldn't be a problem -- but they DID feel something, and now they are texting you.

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They want to see you again. They want to run through a field of corn nuggets with you. They want to sing Faith Hill songs into the nape of your neck. You want to sit at home and watch Boardwalk Empire in your lounging pants solo. It's gnarly because now you've got to gently break-up with someone...who you weren't even dating.

The best thing you can is respond honestly but kindly. They ask to see you again and you say, "I'm really glad I got a chance to meet you, but we're not a good match." That's right. Be that definitive. Leave no wiggle room. Below you'll find 5 mistakes women make when "breaking up" with a new suitor.

1.) The Fade Away

This just makes you look like an asshole and a big ol' coward. You're none of those things! You are awesome. Be awesome -- treat this person well.

2.) "I Think..."

Trust me on this, even saying "I think we're not a good match," leaves the door open to an especially persistent brand of jerk. "Sure, that's what YOU think, but what about what I THINK?" You don't want to open yourself up to that sort of pointlessly hostile exchange.

3.) "...Right Now"

They covered this on How I Met Your Mother. If you say something like "I just don't think we're a good fit...right now," you are keeping that dude on your hook. You're giving him license to check in WEEKLY even to see if "right now" has changed.

4.) TEXT WARS

This is rare, but you might come across someone who won't take no for an answer. He keeps texting, he keeps calling, he keeps emailing. This my friend, is where you stop texting and stop explaining yourself, and back away. You were polite and reasonable -- he's out of line.

5.) "I'm sorry, Becca's dead"

Don't tell him you've died and that this is your lawyer texting him to end things. I am totally not speaking from experience. This is Becca's lawyer, Milton Jeromey Brandeis

How do you end brand new relationships?

 

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