Sex and parenting don’t always go together very well -- other than the obvious connection -- but if you have kids at home and you miraculously find the time and energy to get some action, you probably also have a story about getting caught. Maybe one of you forgot to lock the door or make sure the kids were asleep, and suddenly you’re scrambling to explain to a wide-eyed 5-year-old why Mommy and Daddy were doing that silly thing on the bed. Without their clothes on. Been there, done that.
But what do you tell those precious children without scarring them for life? Here are some ideas ...
1. “We were having special hugging time.” It’s, um, a bouncy, noisy kind of hug. And, no, we don't hug Grandma this way.
2. “We were just wrestling ... naked.” Exercise is important, kids, but it makes you hot and sweaty, so we had to take off our clothes.
3. “We were changing into our pajamas.” And in the midst of doing so, Daddy fell down on top of Mommy. Silly Daddy.
4. “Daddy thought he saw a spider under the covers so Mommy went down there to check.” She didn’t find one but stayed there awhile anyway.
5. “We were giving each other massages after a long day.” Daddy knows just where to rub Mommy so it feels all better.
6. “Mommy lost an earring, and Daddy was looking for it under the covers.” It’s small and hard to locate, but Daddy found it -- he found it good -- and Mommy was so happy about it!
7. “We were having a contest before we went to sleep: Who can make the funniest noise?” Daddy won. Daddy always wins.
8. “Daddy was showing how strong he was by doing push-ups on top of Mommy.” Unfortunately, he could only do a few push-ups before he was spent.
9. “Mommy was just giving Daddy a piggyback ride.” Yes, honey, it was a funny kind of piggyback ride. The kind grown-ups like to give each other sometimes.
And finally, the truth ...
10. “If the door is shut, you need to knock. Or go back to your room. Thank you.”
Because sometimes Mommy and Daddy need to have some special time together without kids, and sometimes we take a long time changing into our pajamas and sometimes we fall down on top of each other and sometimes Daddy does find Mommy’s earring and, dammit, when that happens, she’s gonna enjoy it.
Image via Scary Mommy